Divorce management

• Author: Nicholas L. Bourdeau
• Pages: 399-434

21-1

21-1

Chapter 21

Divorce Management

TABLE OF CONTENTS

§21:00 INTRODUCTION

§21:10 GRIEF AND ANGER

§21:11 The Grieving Process

§21:12 Grief Disparity

§21:13 Dealing With Anger

§21:14 Weathering the Storm

§21:20 THE CHILDREN

§21:21 Protecting Children

§21:22 Changing Parenting Roles

§21:23 Parenting Plans

§21:23.1 Battle Lines

§21:24 Child Support vs. Parenting

§21:30 OTHER FACTORS

§21:31 Death of a Child

§21:32 Health Issues

§21:32.1 Mental Health Issues

§21:32.2 Physical Health Issues

§21:32.3 Drugs and Alcohol

§21:33 Emotional Attachments to Assets

§21:34 Boyfriends and Girlfriends

§21:35 Interfering Family and Friends

§21:35.1 Battle Lines

§21:40 THE PROCESS

§21:00 INTRODUCTION

The defining moment came when an attorney

in the class protested, “I can’t tell them to do that.

It’s not legal advice.” The statement was made at

the end of a debate which had erupted in my class

on computing child support. Two attorneys, who

were obviously on opposing sides in the same case,

were arguing over the best way to compute support

for a child who was going to be placed in a 50/50

parenting plan. The child in question was nine

months old. I usually encourage these interactions,

but this time I stopped it cold, “Tell them they

can’t do it.” I iterated some of the basic principles

addressed in this section related to protecting chil-

DCS.indb 1 1/7/2015 9:15:10 AM

§21:10 The Determination of Income for Child Support 21-2§21:10 The Determination of Income for Child Support 21-2

dren and ended with the flat statement, “Just say

no.” This was when the attorney had protested.

A divorce can be divided into four categories:

Family law, accounting, children, and grief. In a

divorce there will always be legal issues that must

be addressed and requirements that must be met.

Assets, liabilities, and family support will have to

be dealt with. If there are children involved, parent-

ing will have to be arranged. But above all, and out

of all proportion to the rest, the parties will be deal-

ing with their grief over the loss of their marriage.

Those of us dealing with divorcing individuals

can also be divided into four general categories:

Attorneys, accountants, child development special-

ists, and mental health practitioners. Collectively,

the skill these professionals wield can handle

virtually any situation that arises during a divorce.

However, it is a rare individual who has all of the

skills of all of the professions.

This section is about recognizing the fact that

only a small fraction of divorce relates to legal

issues. It recognizes the fact that the practitioners

most often placed in the position of handling divorc-

es are not trained to handle the majority of issues

that arise in divorce. I am not aware of a law school

teaching child development or quizzing anyone on

the various stages of grief. For that matter, there

wasn’t a section on the CPA exam on child aban-

donment issues or dealing with anger.

Therefore, this section is about crossing bor-

ders. It is about taking skills and knowledge from

all of the indicated disciplines and applying them

to divorce situations. It is from my perspective

and illustrates how I cross borders to effectively

and efficiently complete divorces. The term I use

for those who use an interdisciplinary approach to

handling divorce is “Divorce Manager.”

And as for the protesting attorney…. He

was right. Telling parents that a 50/50 parenting

plan for infants will probably create abandonment

issues is not legal advice. However, my response

to the attorney was, “If you don’t tell them, who

will?”

§21:10 GRIEF AND ANGER

§21:11 THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Divorce is the death of a relationship. The

strongest emotions that govern parties during a

divorce are those of grief. Numerous psychologists

have addressed grief and have typically defined its

stages as:

Shock

You want a divorce? What, where did this

come from?

Denial

This can’t be happening. She isn’t serious,

she’ll come to her senses.

Anger

How could you do this to me? You may want

a divorce, but you are going to pay for it. I don’t

care what it costs; he is never going to see his

children again.

Bargaining

If you’ll give me one more chance, I promise

I’ll change. Can’t we wait until the children are out

of high school?

Depression

I don’t care, do whatever you want. Take what-

ever you want; I don’t care if I ever see the children.

Acceptance

I understand that it’s over. It’s time I made a

new life for myself.

Divorce managers can utilize their knowledge of

the grieving process to expedite the divorce process-

es. First, grief is a normal, predictable process that is

an integral part of human existence. We are designed

to survive it. The process of coming to terms with

grief can be impeded, but it cannot be expedited. For

example, handling a divorce through the adversarial

process can easily delay clients at the anger stage of

grief. Alternatively, the process cannot be advanced

by advising someone to, “Just get over it.” The only

cure for grief is time. Understanding that divorcing

clients are experiencing a normal process with a

predictable outcome is the first step in dealing with it.

DCS.indb 2 1/7/2015 9:15:10 AM

21-3 Divorce Management §21:1221-3 Divorce Management §21:12

While the stages of the grieving process have

been clearly and categorically identified, the actual

process does not resemble anything quite so order-

ly. People in the grieving process will shift back and

forth through the various stages of grief and their

progress can be categorized only in general terms.

For example, a husband can be said to be in the

acceptance stage of his grief until his wife tells him

that, contrary to what was agreed, the children will

not be seeing him on Christmas. This news drops

him back to the anger stage from which he will have

to climb his way back to acceptance. However,

recognizing where individuals are in the grieving

process, even in general terms, is valuable.

Finally, it is possible that individuals will get

stuck in the grieving process. For example, they

will be unable to overcome their anger or be unable

to climb out of the depths of their depression. Most

divorce managers do not have the skills necessary

to restart the grieving process. Consequently, refer-

ence to a qualified expert in these cases is advised.

In dealing with a grieving party, my initial

interview allows the client to vent his or her grief

without restraint. This accomplishes two goals.

One, it forms a bond between us which I can then

use to get the basics of the divorce accomplished.

That is, the client has been given a sympathetic

ear, identified someone who cares, and will do

what they can to please that person. Second, the

interview allows me to assess where in the grieving

process my client resides. I understand that clients

in the acceptance stage need little assistance or con-

trol. Clients in the anger stage probably need some

basic coping skills and perhaps a set of operating

guidelines (don’t burn down the house, don’t yell at

your kids, and don’t get fired). As important, know-

ing where the parties are in the grieving process

allows me to assess my odds of obtaining an accord;

on anything, please see §21:12, Grief Disparity.

Once the parties have been given the opportuni-

ty to express their grief, I limit further dwelling on it.

A minute or so of expression will give me an idea of

whether or not they appear to be progressing. If they

appear to be progressing, then all is well, and mak-

ing progress on the divorce is likely. If they are not,

then I refer them to someone who can assess their

progress and assist them if necessary. My assess ment

of my clients is most certainly not based on any sci-

entific or empirical data. For example, if my client

is yelling and swearing in the first meeting and only

swearing in the second meeting, that’s progress.

I do not allow my clients to swim in the grieving

process when we are meeting. In the first place, it

provides positive reinforcement that expressing their

grief is the reason for the meeting; it is not. Second,

since I most often charge on a flat rate, I don’t have

time. Next, I am not their counselor, priest, or soul

mate. Allowing them to cry on my shoulder for

extended periods of time may cause them to lose

sight of my role. And finally, I believe (along with

some grief authorities) that dwelling on grief may

not be the most effective way of progressing through

it. Essentially, my job is to end the marriage so that

my clients can deal with their grief in their own way

on their own time. It is not my duty to help them

deal with their grief. Consequently, when my clients

decide to take a dip in their pool of misery, I pause

for a moment to gently pull them out and move on:

“I understand how much you are hurt…. We talked

about grief and how it takes time to heal…. You real-

ly have to give yourself some time…. In a year you

won’t recognize yourself.… Did you happen to get

the credit card statements we talked about last time?”

§21:12 GRIEF DISPARITY

Divorcing couples’ progress through the griev-

ing process at different rates. There is a direct cor-

relation between the disparity of the parties’ stages

of grief and their ability to negotiate and settle their

divorce. The further apart the couple is in the grief

process, the more unlikely it becomes that they will

be able to negotiate and reach terms of settlement.

The differences in the stages of grief can be real

or perceived. For example, a wife in the depres-

sion stage of grief may not be able to proceed with

negotiations until she believes that her husband is

feeling grief also.

The role of the divorce manager in these situa-

tions is to understand that disparity in the grieving

process will hamper negotiations. Attempting to

advance settlement with widely disparate individu-

als has low odds of success.

DCS.indb 3 1/7/2015 9:15:10 AM