Incarcerated Reflections

• Published date: 01 May 2022
• Date: 01 May 2022
• DOI: 10.1177/10439862221096735
• Author: Andrew Kicking Horse

https://doi.org/10.1177/10439862221096735

Journal of Contemporary Criminal Justice

2022, Vol. 38(2) 234 –235

© The Author(s) 2022

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DOI: 10.1177/10439862221096735

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Essay

Incarcerated Reflections

Andrew Kicking Horse

After over 35 years of incarceration, in some of the most notorious prisons in California,

I can attest to witnessing just about every possible scenario imaginable in a carceral

world. Violence breeds violence within these captive walls and inside these walls lies

a different world than what society assembles its citizens to abide by. An oxymoronic

system of beliefs developed by those subclass of residents condemned to make resi-

dence there. For example, Good is bad, stop means go, empathy is weakness. . .don’t

show your vulnerability or you may very well become another forgotten statistic (vic-

tim) or one who condones violence which is acted upon in-concert by those whose

responsibilities, as well as job obligation is to prevent it.

Prison rape, murder, beat downs, stabbing, and suicides I have viewed over the

decades. The memories of each image stirring emotions inside my mental facilities

birthing trauma that cannot be wiped away, much less forgotten! It becomes the norm,

an accepted mode of survival that soon, all too soon, callouses the heart and decision-

making conscious.

Despite my attempts to remain some level of society, over the years I too have been

the catalyst perpetrating violence on occasion throughout this cycle of incarceration.

Initially, to prove my self-worth or loyalty to my race or to demonstrate my lack of

humanity to others as a means of survival to an attentive audience, “Don’t mess with

that Indian, he’s crazy!” Just one of the many labels placed upon me or hats I placed

upon myself over the years of wanting to be accepted.

Tortured voices singing in the winds that never dissipate yet linger on no matter

where I hang my hat or attempt to evade. It could be Folsom or Calipatria or Solano,

locations soaked and dripping in pious and distorted belief systems, raw violence, and

pure disenchantment with self. When will this nightmare end? Where can I travel to

find peace? How ill I make it would completely losing these final ounces of sanity or

empathy longed for in me.

Once I was in a great program located at a very fine facility. Sure, there were some

problems but all minor in nature and not serious. I was chosen to partake in the only

BA degree program in the State of California’s entire penological history. There were

approximately 40 of us chosen. Many eventually gotten communities from LWOP to

freedom because of the program or because they were housed at Lancaster and worked

in the “Paws for Life” dog program.

I was doing well there. I facilitated several self-help classes, ran Sweat Lodge

Ceremonies, kept a GPA of 3.87 with CSU-LA’s BA degree Program, and I was happy.

1096735CCJXXX10.1177/10439862221096735Journal of Contemporary Criminal JusticeHorse

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