By Any Other Name.

• Author: Hinkle, A. Barton

The English language, George Orwell wrote, "becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish, but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts." In support of that statement, consider a recent decision by California's Third District Court of Appeal, which ruled that, under California law, bumblebees are fish.

The court reached this unanimous (!) conclusion based on the state's endangered-species law, which stipulates that "fish" means "a wild fish, mollusk, crustacean, invertebrate, amphibian, or part, spawn, or ovum of any of those animals." Note the term "invertebrate." The state's Fish and Game Commission "has the authority to list an invertebrate as an endangered or threatened species," the court ruled. "We next consider whether the Commission's authority is limited to listing only aquatic invertebrates. We conclude the answer is, 'no.'" Hence, bumblebees are fish. Q.E.D.

Lest you think this linguistic loopiness is a one-off, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been debating whether to forbid labeling beverages made from almonds, oats, and other plant products as "milk." Also, lawmakers from dairy states have introduced legislation to ban terms such as "almond milk," terminology that Wisconsin Sen. Tammy Baldwin deems "unfair" and Vermont Rep. Peter Welch calls "misleading."

Please. Nobody thinks for a second that tiny-fingered almond farmers with miniature stools and itty-bitty pails rise before dawn to milk the mammary glands of countless almonds. But non-dairy milk beverages do pose a threat to the dairy industry's market share, which explains why Washington wants to weigh in on the matter. Perhaps, once the federal government has settled this pressing issue, it can ask the textile lobby how to protect consumers from being duped into thinking that they are meeting their dietary fiber requirements by eating "cotton" candy.

Efforts to regulate the names of foods extend well beyond the Beltway. Several states have sought to prevent the use of meat-related terms for non-meat food such as "veggie burgers." In July, France published a decree forbidding the use of "steak" and "sausage" to describe plant-based products. Examples multiply.

And nomenclature is just one part of the broader problem. Being told that a bee is a fish or that the sellers of almond milk want people to think it comes from a cow is easy to laugh off. Other forms of linguistic foolishness are more insidious.

When the...