You can't make up stuff like this.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Political humor

The best thing about being a political comic is that, with the whole government working for you, if you wait long enough, your deadline will be met. Pick up a paper anywhere. It's rip and read time.

Because of the November putsch, Jesse Helms is now chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Oh, goody, finally someone able to talk to Zhirinovsky on an equal level. Under a rock. Without that embarrassing burden of rational thought to hold him back.

Then there's Strom Thurmond. Strom is ninety-two years old, has two years left in his six-year Senate term, and wants to run once more. At the end of which, he'll be 100 years old. That's triple digits, people. He's already passing legislation through sense memory. During the Roberta Achtenberg hearings, Strom on the floor of the Senate said out loud in front of people, "No decent heterosexual has ever engaged in sodomy." To their credit, the other Senators broke into laughter. He's ninety-two years old: he's probably engaged in sodomy by mistake.

[right arrow]LONDON, ENGLAND

Would someone please be kind enough to tell me why the hell Americans are constantly working themselves into an ethical twitching frenzy whenever it turns out one of our illustrious leaders has had carnal desires. "Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy, Robert Dole touches his thingy! I'll never be able to watch him shake hands with Phyllis Schlafly again."

Everybody touches their thingy. Why is that so hard to get used to? So to speak. A normal healthy sex drive seems like a desirable human attribute. Now Britain is going through similar spasmodic twitchings. Back in the swinging sixties, it seems that rascally John Major had an affair with an olderwoman. No one's really surprised he was fascinated by older women: that explains why he acts like one today. "John Major Was My Toyboy," is the tale, according to the Sun. Understand those are four words you'll never hear in a court of law. "According to the Sun" is like saying, "According to someone who raises eyebrows at the National Enquirer."

One of my favorite things to do in Britain is to have breakfast in the tourista hotels and hear the cacophony of dropped coffee cups as unsuspecting American visitors turn to the topless "Page Three Lovely" holding a lamp--"A-Pair-ently dee-Light-full."

As it turns out, Jean Kierans, the toyboy's temptress, nicknamed the future prime minister "Rover," which has some curious connotations. Not ours to judge. The Brits take well to kinky: Tory...