Wry Martinis.

• Author: McElwaine, Sandra

Readers will be relieved to learn that "no animals were harmed in the making of" Wry Martinis -- a delicious compilation of Christopher Buckley's writings in such magazines as The New Yorker, The New York Times, and Forbes FYI.

Some of the highlights (with chapter titles in quotes):

"Royal Eavesdropping." Charles and Camilla on the phone.

Camilla: I'm lying here in my Wellies and not a stitch else.

Charles: Well, I suppose it's better than what they've got me "inspecting" tomorrow, at seven-bloody-fifteen in the bloody a.m. Bloody poultry plant.

Camilla: But it's so lonely here. Just me and my Wellies...it feels so empty without you.

Charles: I'll tell you what empty is. The inside of her skull. Knock, knock, is anyone bloody home?

Camilla: Oh, darling, how frustrating for you.

Charles: Then she announced she was going to kill herself --

Camilla: What again? With the lemon peeler?

Charles: Oh no, with a soup ladle. This time she meant business.

"Apartment Hunter," written after the New York Post reported that O.J. Simpson was contemplating a move to NYC, includes excerpts from letters of recommendation the Juice submitted to a pricey New York cooperative. From Robert Kardashian: I have known Mr. Simpson for many years, I would describe him as a devoted family man. The crime problem in Brentwood persuades him that it is time to look elsewhere, to New York, with the children where they can have a "normal" upbringing.

From Johnie Cochran: His only desire right now, apart from seeing that the Colombian drug dealers who slew his ex-wife and her companion are brought to justice, is to raise his children in an atmosphere of serenity and security.

From Alan Dershowitz: Another of my clients, Claus Von Bulow, lived on Fifth Avenue, and my visits to his apartment brought considerable social stature to his co-tenants.

From A.C. Cowlings: He's got a gun to his head. You better let him come live in your building. Be cool with this. The response from the Cooperative Association: The board, recalling your statements regarding your activities on the night of June 12, 1994, took note of your predilection for nocturnal golfing on the premises. The board felt rather strongly that nocturnal golfing is inappropriate in a Fifth Avenue duplex, and therefore decided to pass on your application with the keenest regret.

"Lenin For Sale" created an international contretemps.

"It has come to our attention

through private channels that the

Soviet Union is preparing to...