Women and taxes: crossing the line.

• Author: Ayvazian, Andrea
• Position: Tax resisters - Column

I like to talk to people about unpopular or taboo topics: racism, sex, money, and taxes. I find that once I raise a subject that most people would rather ignore or deny, they tend to open up and share thoughts and feelings they have previously suppressed.

As a war-tax resister since 1982, I'm particularly interested in people's attitudes toward money. I regularly ask about their income, inherited wealth, giving patterns, and relations with the Internal Revenue Service. In casual conversations and formal interviews, I've heard some remarkable comments and stories.

Though I did not give it much attention at first, a pattern began to emerge in my discussions with people about money and taxes. Women and men tended to express different thoughts and feelings. Men often talked about money without great difficulty, but at the same time with a sense of caution, choosing their words carefully and speaking in generalizations rather than specifics. Their comments on taxes reflected irritation, frustration, and sometimes anger. Male war-tax resisters often talked about the military budget, the misguided approach of U.S. foreign and domestic policies, and what it means to stand up to authority and withhold all or a portion of one's tax dollars. Some men told me they felt considerable anxiety about war-tax resistance--one said becoming a tax refuser was "terrifying" to him for the first two years--but many discussed both money and tax resistance in far more remote terms, without reference to their feelings, much less their fears.

When I talked with women, the subject of money often carried with it a sense of mystery. Many mentioned the confusing messages they received as children: never knowing their parents' income, and sensing that they should not inquire about it; hearing terms on the news they did not understand--terms like "the Dow Jones average," "the GNP," "the discount rate"--and slowly realizing that maybe they never would know what such terms were all about; having their allowance and gifts of money tied to love and "good behavior"; then, later in life, finding they did not know how to discuss salary when applying for a job, or how to negotiate for a pay increase when on the job.

Women talked about absorbing the message that they were not expected to know or talk about money, and that they were not supposed to care about it. They were supposed to value things of a higher order--nurturance, interpersonal connections, and community--things money cannot buy. So my conversations about money with normally articulate women often took on a muddled tone--women groped for words, furrowed their brows, and said things like, "Oh, I don't know.... I guess it's just not my strong suit."

Historically, women have been generous donors to...