Will Durst's 2014 xma$ gift wi$h li$t.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: OFF THE MAP - Column

For Barack Obama: A Kevlar bubble, so he can ditch the Kevlar vest, as he will now be taking shots from 360 degrees instead of just from the back.

For CNN: Something, anything, to talk about other than ISIS and Ebola. And not ISIS with Ebola, either.

For Alec Baldwin: An unlimited refillable prescription for Xanax in a carrying case suitable for travel.

For Democrats in Congress: Scuba gear until they can grow gills for breathing underwater.

For the Republican National Committee: A large supply of chill pills so 2016 doesn't turn out like 2008 and 2012.

For Todd Kincannon, the former executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, who said anyone who comes in contact with Ebola should be "humanely put down": a thirty-two-ounce Thermos filled with the milk of human kindness.

For Miley Cyrus: A sponsorship deal with anybody who can provide clothes.

For Ted Cruz: A money order in the exact amount of the fare for a one-way ticket on the clue train.

For Robin Thicke: Passage on a cruise ship to a deserted island populated predominantly by poisonous pampas grass.

For the American public: A case of antacid per person to get through the next two years watching the heartless pummel the spineless cheered on by the clueless.

For Kentucky Senator Rand Paul: More Republicans who want him to run for President and fewer Democrats.

For Elizabeth Warren: A lingering bug to hit Hillary Clinton, clearing the Democratic field for 2016.

For the TSA: Two-week training...