Why newborns cause acrimony and alimony.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores
• Position: Life in America - Cover Story

BABIES ENTER a couple's life through birth, adoption, or remarriage, creating new relationships, responsibilities, and joys. Whether a surprise, planned, or long sought, most babies are preceded with increased excitement, careful preparations, and growing hopes. Tiny clothing is bought; bedrooms are repainted; the best safety furniture and carriers obtained. Parents-in-waiting attend prenatal classes, scour books for information, and tolerate bushels of uninvited advice from family, friends, and strangers. Many couples seem overprepared, if such a thing is possible.

Yet, in the midst of this nearly obsessive planning and preparing, something often evades notice: about one in 10 couples divorce before their first child begins school. How can a baby generate such a series of emotional tidal waves that so often culminate in acrimony and alimony?

The changes in duties, income, and even the layout of the family home are anticipated; my experiences in the therapy room and with professional literature indicate that the true impact of these changes apparently strikes with little warning. If they are wise, aching new parents in hurting marriages will come for counseling before the damage is irreparable. At the beginning of counseling, Rebecca and Joshua (made-up characters) are angry, hurt, unappreciated, disappointed, and ashamed. "We always put the children first," they say proudly, but here they are, nearly dashed onto the rocks by an eight-pound tsunami.

The little tidal wave sweeps up both parents. Mom may be pulled up towards the crest, immersed in the profound relationship with the baby, while dad is swimming against the current under 20 feet of water. These roles will shift as the waves crest, break, and rise again. Changes of all sorts--from money to time to perceptions of power and responsibility--drive those waves of emotional change.

If one parent, often the mother, provides full-time care for the infant, the loss of income creates emotional tension as well as financial stress. Betty Carter, founder and director at the Family Institute of Westchester (N.Y.), discovered in her research that the primary wage earner gradually takes on more financial decisionmaking rather than sharing decisions as when both were employed. In marriages where couples maintain separate finances, the difficulties may be compounded: "my money" and "your money" become one person's money.

When Rebecca left her job to care for the baby, she felt like a child having to ask Joshua for money each week; to her, it was like he had a checkbook and she had an allowance. Their eventual solution was to budget an amount each partner can spend on personal activities and purchases, while setting up two individual checking accounts in addition to the family account. This way, each has "my money" and there is adequate "our money." Neither Joshua nor Rebecca will have to ask permission to have lunch with a friend or get angry about ATM transactions not entered into the family checkbook.

Reducing any feeling of dependency will have to include an effort to discuss finances in terms of "us" rather than "mine and yours." Feeling dependent can lead to feeling powerless, to resentment and a cutoff of communication; we only can resent those whom we feel have power over us. It may be that the working parent solicits input on decisions but that the nonworking parent seemingly is reluctant to act as a full partner--but each perceives it differently; one feels stuck with full responsibility while the other feels marginalized.

Who has power over whom? While the stay-at-home parent may feel dependent and helpless, the working parent certainly is not riding the wave. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, men who are the primary or sole wage earner for a growing family often define themselves as successful parents if they provide financially for the family, while their wives define successful parenting based on relationships with the children and their satisfaction with parenting. Dad is under pressure to work longer hours, earn more money, and increasingly be concerned about job security and...