Why Do Women Stay When They Should Go?

• Author: Middleton, Jeannie
• Position: PSYCHOLOGY

"[Some had to] deal with abusive, toxic, alcoholic parents; that is the only lifestyle they know, so when they are older, they are drawn to abusive men."

SARAH was one of those friends who got married too young. Although she had a lot of support throughout her pregnancy and her marriage, things did not work out too well for her. She found herself home all of the time, having to tend to her newborn son while her husband went out straight from work. Her marriage was nowhere, yet Sarah stayed, hoping things would change--they did not. It was hard for me to imagine why Sarah would stay in a marriage that was so toxic; it really puzzled me.

Sarah claimed she was scared to stand on her own. I pointed out that she was standing on her own because her husband was never there. Sarah and I spoke for hours, day in, day out, until years later, things clicked. She started to go out and socialize, but I noticed that she would cling to the first male that paid attention to her--my red flag went up. I tried to warn Sarah to slow down, but she saw an opportunity to feel needed and loved, and was blinded by the fact that another man was willing to have her and her son. There was no stopping her.

John showered her with dinners, dancing out on the town, vacations. She saw that as love. I saw it as lust and control--but at this point, there was no getting through to her. She went through with her divorce only to marry again. John was a man with a good job that wanted to buy a house and give Sarah everything--but it all came with a price. He told Sarah she had to separate herself from me; he was all she would need. I told her that he saw me as a threat because we are so close. He was afraid Sarah would love me more than him.

Sarah loved the gifts, jewelry, vacations. having a house to call her home--things appeared great for her and we grew further and further apart. She even had two more children and we seldom spoke. It was heartbreaking to lose the close bond that was developed over many years, but John wanted it that way.

Then my phone rang. I answered it only to hear Sarah's voice whispering through the phone, speaking carefully so that John would not hear. She called me several times this way, speaking softly, then rushing off the phone, saying, "1 have to hang up. John is coming." I strongly sensed that something was wrong. I was confused, until one day I ran into her at a grocery store. Her cell phone rang. John was calling. I could hear him yelling...