While you were out.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map - Humor about getting back to work after a vacation

Besides needing a vacation from your vacation, the worst part of returning to work after a traditional summer holiday is the realization that you're going to need a minimum of two days for every day gone just to get back into the swim of things. And the mound of memos piled on your desk doesn't help.

Monday. 8:00 a.m. The janitorial crew came by and changed the locks on all the employee rest rooms and left everyone a key except you. Sorry. Martha.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Monday. 10:30-ish. Thought you should know some guy in accounting pawed through your trash. He took some--not much. Bobby.

Monday. 1:07 p.m. The new management consultant wants everyone to start wearing red suspenders as a morale-building exercise. Don't blame me, I just work here. For now. Mrs. Scott.

Monday. 3 p.m. I have been informed that the layoff wheel has been set up in the lunchroom. All employees will spin it once a week. Mitchell in NY.

Monday? I.O.U. one middle desk drawer. Thanks, dude. Ali.

Tuesday. 8:00 a.m. We've saved all our safety updates and will start printing memos on the reverse side. Like this one. Ignore swine flu warning on back. Thank you. Martha.

Tuesday. Some ridiculous single digit hour in the a.m. Your suggestion about cutting executive bonuses was forwarded to New York. Smooth move. Ali.

Tuesday. 8:47 a.m. The new seniority system is now in place. Pick up your information packet in the lunchroom at your convenience. Between 1 and 2. Mrs. Scott.

Tuesday. 3 p.m. I have been informed that the janitorial crew will service each floor one day a week. Your floor is scheduled for Monday. Mitchell in NY.

Tuesday. 4:14 p.m. The new management consultant forgot at which Hyatt he is staying. Anybody who knows, please visit the East Conference Room. Do not call. The phones are broken. Mrs. Scott.

Wednesday. 8:00 a.m. Tonight's transitioning workshop has been relocated to the Denny's off exit 7. Martha.

Wednesday. Noonish. That guy from accounting brought back your trash. And somebody else's trash, too. It's all on your desk. Do you think I should call Bailbonds Without Borders? Bobby.

Wednesday. 3 p.m. Mitchell in NY has been laid off...