WHAT THE CHILDREN SAY ABOUT DIVORCE — A Guide to Interviewing Children

• Date: 01 December 1980
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/j.174-1617.1980.tb00056.x
• Author: Florence Bienenfeld
• Published date: 01 December 1980

WHAT THE CHlLDREN SAY ABOUT DIVORCE

A Guide to lnterviewing Children

Florence Bienenfeld"

The questions

I

ask children vary somewhat

with the situation and

the

way the interview

flows; however, below are the basic questions

I

ask children involved

in

a

custody/visitation

dispute. This represents one of many approaches

to interviewing children.

I

see

each child alone.

I

ask both parents

to walk the children into my office.

I

explain to the children that

I

would like

to talk to each child alone for a few minutes

and

that

their mother and father will wait

in

the

waiting room.

I

let the children decide who will

go first.

I

interview children four years and older in

situations where parents either ask me to speak

to the children

or

where

I

suggest they be in-

cluded in the counseling process to ease their

pressure. Even though initially such an interview

may seem like additional stress for them,

I

have

found children that benefit greatly by the thera-

peutic method

I

describe below. They go away

les

burdened.

My first goal is to find out how the child

is experiencing the conflict. Ultimately my pur-

pose is to lessen tension for children and assist

parents

in

working together cooperately about

the children.

When

I

interview children,

I

ask them big

open-ended questions to find out what they're

thinking and feeling.

1

never ask them, "Whom

do you want to live with?" There's no way

a

child can win. If they say dad, they feel guilty

about hurting mom. If they say mom, they feel

guilty about hurting dad.

I

usually start out asking children "What

do you think is going on between your parents?"

Most children say, "They don't get along."

or

"They argue or fight

a

lot."

A few children say,

"1

don't know" or "They're getting a divorce."

Some children say, "They're

fighting

about who

'

Florence Bienenfeld,

M.A.,

MFCC, Senior Marriage and

Family Counselor, Conciliation Court

of

the Superior

Court of

Los

Angeles County; weekly columnist, "For

Better or Worse," lndependent Journal of Santa Monica,

Calif.; author

of

"My Mom and Dad Are Getting

a

Di-

vorce," EMC Corp., St. Paul, Minnesota,

1980.

I'm

going to

he

with,"

or

about money,

or

child

support,

or

mommy's boy friend, etc. Their re-

sponse gives me some insight into how much

the child has been told, exposed to, and what

the child's understanding

is

about parental con-

flicts.

Next,

I

ask children, "How does

al1

this

make you feel?" The answer

is

usually, "Bad,"

or "Sad,"

or

"Scared." Occasionally,

a

child

will say,

"1

don't care." Some children say they

don't remember anything but fighting and argu-

ing between their parents.

I

ask children, "Why

did

your mom

and

dad get a divorce?" (or are they getting a

di-

vorce?) Many say they don't know why. Others

say it's because of what their father or mother

did, citing one parent's point

of

view. One young

child replied seriously,

"lt's

because my

mommy kept kicking my daddy out of bed."

I

have

a

chance to

let

children know they're not

to blame for

the

divorce.

I

ask children, "How did your mom and

dad get aiong when they were Iiving together?"

Some children say they were too young and

don't remember when their parents lived

together.

A

few describe witnessing fights,

physical violence bemeen their parents, police

coming, hiding, crying

or

trying helplessly to

separate their parents physically, etc.

Next,

I

ask children where they live now

and how often they see the other parent even

when

I

know these details. They describe their

situation. Some volunteer

that

they like

it

the

way

it

is, or don't like

it

the way

it

is

and wish

it

could be different. Many children say they

wish they could see their other parent more.

Adolescents often talk about their preferences

at length and some complain angrily about hav-

ing plans with friends disrupted. One adolescent

boy said,

"1

want to be able to go when

I

want

to go and not be made to go if

I

don't want

I

ask children how they get along with each

parent. They usually describe their relationships

simply

as,

"Fine," "Good,"

"0.K.;"

or

"O.K.,

I

guess." Sometimes the hesitation

or

the look

on their

face

connotes problems, and

I

ask if

to go."

49

CONCILIATION

COURTS

REVIEW

/

VOLUME

18,

NUMBER

2

/

DECEMBER

1980