What's for dinner in Silicon Valley.

• Author: Clinton, Kate
• Position: UNPLUGGED - Schmoylent - Essay

Apparently, I was not minding The Gap.

I was congratulating myself on my successful online order and the timely delivery of three white, ribbed tank tops. As I tried one on, I pulled it over my head. It was a good fit. New threads with just a touch of Lycra. Perfect! I continued to pull it on, all the way down to my knees. What the ...? I looked at the label. I had ordered three maternity tank tops. Size LTPT: last-trimester, possibly twins.

It is a mystery why I take my frequent tech gaffes so personally. I flame so embarrassingly it is as if I had absentmindedly rested an elbow on the red end-of-world button. My despair feels like the end of the world. I am told I can be steady, patient, almost bovine, at solving problems around the home--unless it is a tech problem. Then, frustration quickly leads to blind, murderous fury. It is a good thing we do not have guns in our home, or it would be a skeet shoot with Apples.

Instead of pitching an epic epi, I have learned to do some simple, appropriate things. The blinking teardrop on the printer means it is out of ink. I should replace the cartridge, not shake the holy HP out of it. Sometimes, the computer just won't talk to the printer. Be patient. They will work it out. When in doubt (which I always am), shut down, unplug, breathe, count to ten, plug in, turn on, and then kick it again.

My dear, early-adopting tech-enabler galpal, without whom I could not turn on the TV, find Netflix, play music, or get on the Facebook, often tries to intervene with the poorly timed reassurance, "It's not you. It's all based on logic and binaries. It's just zero-one, zero-one all the way."

Turns out it is not me. And it is not logic. It is Schmoylent all the way!

Schmoylent is a protein powder. It is all the rage in Silicon Valley. In one of the saddest articles I have read in The New York Times, or at least in the Styles section, busy software developers, coders, and programmers describe food routines that involve chugging beige Schmoylent-laced smoothies. They cannot waste time on meals. They must keep working. Descriptions of their meal plan convey all the dreary, tortured charm of rectal feeding.

Schmoylent, a nutrient powder, is mixed with water, and perhaps some...