What (real) men (really) want.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores T.
• Position: PARTING THOUGHTS

I RECENTLY wrote about what women (in midlife) want, and mentioned, in passing, the regrettable stereotype about men's midlife crises. Men deserve better. This time, the guys get the attention they deserve. What do real men want? By real, I mean: not sociopaths (two percent to 10% of the population depending on which statistics you believe) and not pathological narcissists (about two percent in older folks; up to 20% in the under-30s). The percentage of men to whom this applies, then, ranges between a pessimistic 70% and a cheerful 96% of men. These real men ... want to NOT have to choose between being good and being happy.

Good or happy?--that is the apparent dichotomous choice for men. Our society has contrived to create a situation in which far too many men are stuck in this untenable dilemma: goodness or happiness? Yet, goodness, in the moral sense, and (the pursuit of) happiness ought to be inseparable. Judeo-Christian faiths and classical ethics generally point to goodness and happiness as being necessarily intertwined--with failing to be good leading to unhappiness. This has been twisted. What could be going on?

Men need certain elements in their lives (as do women). This one's for the boys, so be aware that if I am addressing men, in particular, I do not necessarily mean, "and this does not apply to girls." Yes, of course, nonpathological women would like to be happy and good. That is a discussion for another day.

Men need a higher purpose, challenges and risks, competition and camaraderie, and beauty. A good man seeks a higher purpose. He wants what he does to mean something. Military personnel have it; missionaries have it (why else would the phrase "missionary zeal" be part of the lexicon?). Men naturally want to have times when they are on fire with passion about a cause. When men come to marriage counseling, perhaps their greatest complaint is not being respected, not feeling as if what they do has value and meaning to their wife and family. Most of the time, this yearning is not some sort of craven need for adoration and applause--that would be a sign of immaturity, and need healing. This yearning is a natural, healthy desire for a higher purpose--for life to mean more than just jumping through an endless series of fiery hoops set up by parents, teachers, drill sergeants, bosses, and wives.

A good man wants life to include challenges, risks, competition, and camaraderie. You cannot imagine how often I have to explain (!) to...