War cries and endgames.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Minneapolis, Minnesota, where Jesse Ventura didn't run for reelection. Rumor has it he's going back to pro wrestling. Glad to see he's finally moving up on that whole career ladder thing.

For a while there, Bush the Two was running into a couple of teensy-weensy stumbling blocks trying to pawn off his new improved Iraqi invasion plans to any and all appropriate buyers. The first problem: Nobody wanted it. And second: He had trouble explaining exactly what it was he was selling.

But he was possessed by the spirit of a hyperactive insurance salesman wearing a bad plaid suit in a beat up Taurus with a telescoping clothes rack stretched across the back seat, talking the ears off of anyone who wanted to listen. Or didn't. He recited his skewed actuarial charts in front of a decidedly cool Congressional Leadership Caucus and then he went on the biggest cold call of his life: the United Nations. It was a buyers' market.

See, back when Clinton was President, now, there was your sellers' market, mister. But now, whew!

There's also a tiny slight defect in Bush's major selling point. "We have to invade Iraq because of a very important reason." The reason? He can't tell us. It's not that he doesn't want to. He'd love to, but see, it's a secret.

Whatever it is, I think we can pretty much rule out math. The old default argument, we have to preemptively strike to stop the stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction, isn't working, because that logic leaves Delaware vulnerable to an air strike eliminating Dow Chemical as a threat. Of course, it doesn't help that every major ally of ours would rather import a couple of container cars of the West Nile virus than throw in with us.

George had so little support on this at first that even Ariel Sharon wasn't returning his calls. I doubt Laura was buying into it. "Jeez, I don't know, George, don't you think this is a little sudden?"

Even the twins have got to be wondering if this isn't a little reckless. And if all that weren't enough, George the One's former staffers kept going on TV muttering discouraging words. Which, at the end of the day, had to be the most galling part since all he's trying to do is finish up one of Poppy's unfinished chores.

"Top of the world, Dad! Top of the world."

Frequently asked questions about our imminent attack on Iraq.

Q. The economy sucks, Bush is President, and we're going to war with Iraq. This seems a bit of a familiar road?

A. I think Sherman set the Wayback Machine to 1991...