Vol. 29, No. 6 #8 (December 2006). Negotiating With Native American Wisdom(c).

• Author: By Joe Epstein with Susan Epstein

Wyoming Bar Journal

2006.

Vol. 29, No. 6 #8 (December 2006).

Negotiating With Native American Wisdom(c)

WYOMING LAWYERDecember 2006/Vol. 29, No. 6Negotiating With Native American Wisdom(c)By Joe Epstein with Susan Epstein

Twelve years ago I opted to leave the litigator's path I had been traveling 25 years for a new path as a mediator. That change in direction has resulted in the opportunity to meet and work with people from all walks of life, people who have had an incredible diversity of life experiences. The conflict that has brought them before me has changed their lives in a variety of ways - some profoundly. Deep emotions often infuse these conflicts. Clearly, rational analysis of conflict issues alone is not sufficient to get to the heart and soul of individual or corporate conflict. In order to reach the core of the conflict I have found it necessary to design a mediation process which creates a sense of fairness and connects with people's emotional side. Interestingly, I have found that Native American values and traditions can provide a framework for today's negotiators and mediators. Several years ago a friend encouraged me to journey with him to visit with a Navajo Medicine Man. Stepping into another world, I found a wise, humble, spiritual man, who is the best listener I have ever "listened" to. I have since spent time with a great story teller from the Jemenez Pueblo. I participated in healing and blessing ceremonies, and in sweat lodges. I have been honored to carry a talking stick made for me by a Lakota Sioux elder. As a result of these warm contacts, I have developed a healthy respect for the insight and wisdom of Native Americans and their traditions. In 2003, I wrote an article, "Native American Wisdom: Lessons Learned for Mediation," (Fall 2003, Vol. 22, No. 1, P 27-3 1). This article builds on my earlier article, but with a greater depth of experience and appreciation of the values discussed. This article deals with some of the traditions of Native America which I believe go to the soul or core of effective negotiation and mediation.

Listening and Silence Listening

"...A good listener really hears what a person is saying and is not thinking of what the reply should be. It takes a great deal of energy to be authentically present and truthfully listening. Such listeners have a quiet mind and a very good memory because they are only hearing the conversation, not talk mixed with other thoughts of their own."

Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine,

(Harper-Collins 2003), P 143.

A good listener is focused. A good listener who is in the "zone" picks up on key words and phrases and is able, if he wishes to do so, to ask the speaker about each. The question may be about what was meant or may explore the feelings behind what was articulated. A good listener taps into the depth of what was said and the emotions and feelings behind the words. In addition, the good listener hears the sounds of what is left unsaid. The unstated may ring as loudly as a prairie thunderstorm or as softly as a doe's breathe. What a negotiator or a mediator does with these sounds is the magic of the music of negotiation and mediation.

The quiet, calm, patient focus of a good listener requires great energy to be truly present and truly listening. The good listener has peacefulness, serenity, and self-esteem which allow him to have a quiet mind. Intense listening results in a good memory where competing thoughts become like white sound and never overshadow the speaker. A good listener is willing to set aside his ego and be self-effacing, allowing another to take center-stage, while he steps back into the shadows. Thus, the good listener, negotiator, or mediator foregoes his need to respond until later in the day, after trust, rapport, and regard have been established.

The very best technique for good listening is silence, which then can be supplemented by reframing, paraphrasing, summarizing and other active listening techniques.

Silence

"If you ask us, 'What is silence?' 'we will answer' 'It is the Great Mystery. The holy silence is God's voice.'

'If you ask' 'What are the fruits of silence?' 'we will answer' 'They are self-control, true courage or endurance, patience, dignity, and reverence. Silence is the cornerstone of character."

Kent Nerburn, editor; The Wisdom of the Native Americans,

(New World Library 1999), P 87.

Silence is the most powerful part of good listening. Silence can be spiritual. The acknowledgement and respect that can flow from silence can create a special connection between partners in conflict, a connection that can have a spiritual feeling and dimension. Some liken this feeling to a mutual flow of energy. Parties, negotiators, and mediators must lay down the arms of conflict in order to be open for this energy flow to occur.

There are two important types of energy that flow from silence. On one side of the coin of silence is the character and strength that flow to the listener, and on the other side of the coin is the connection that the reverence and spirituality of silence can stimulate.

To my mind, silence is the most potent and respectful tool in the negotiator's and mediator's...