Utah Bar Journal
Vol. 21, No. 6, 29.
The Spider to the Fly
Utah Bar JournalVol. 21, No. 6November/December 2008The Spider to the Flyby Just Learned HamI have a confession to make. I am an in-house lawyer, and I've been one for a long time. I am the reason your clients no longer think of you as a trusted advisor, but just another cost in need of control (well, that plus your $450 billing rate - for that kind of money, shouldn't you at least offer to wash my windshield?). It's my fault your bills have those incomprehensible matter numbers. If it's any comfort, those numbers don't mean anything to me, either. The whole point is so you, and my CEO, will think I'm watching you (that's the kind of thing we talk about at those corporate counsel CLE's in the Lesser Antilles). And I still get to tell people I practice law (and no, I don't feel bad saying that - Jim Matheson still gets to call himself a Democrat, doesn't he?).
I am a traitor to my own profession. I've gone native. I am Colonel Kurtz and the Jordan River is my Congo. I love the smell of Compliance Committee meetings in the morning.
Over the years I've recruited others. And it's time to do it again.
I've always enjoyed interviewing and hiring. I got over the guilt of talking bright, shiny young lawyers into a big mistake a long time ago. They all read Faust as undergrads, and they decided to go to law school anyway, so I figure my hands are pretty clean. I mean, it's not something really evil, like selling mortgage-backed securities. I'd never do that. Unless you want to say my home loan was actually a security I sold to my bank, but I think that's a stretch, even for the Utah Court of Appeals. And if you're going to go down that path, my obligations under that divorce decree are probably securities, too. There's an idea.all the ex-spouses of the world get together, pool their alimony and child support obligations, and sell the securitized payment streams to pension funds. If any nervous Nellie fund managers get scared, I'm sure they could buy a swap from AIG to cover the risk (they could call it ex-wife swapping). I'm surprised nobody's thought of it before.
Where was I? That's right - hiring (got to stay on-message, stick to the talking points, re-fill the Ritalin prescription before Dan's closes).
So we call the headhunter and 72 hours later I'm...