A new view: dealing with conflict: we're all part of the problem--and solution.

• Author: Ovson, Alan
• Position: Professional issues

in any office you visit, you'll find them. Whether it's the criticizing manager who finds fault with everyone, a co-worker who complains about everything and everyone, or a demanding client who knows all the answers. They are the ones who can make work difficult and frustrating.

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In whatever shape these difficult people come, they can't be ignored. The key to dealing with them is to understand how we react to their behaviors and then develop strategies that effectively deal with the actions, behaviors and responses of everyone involved.

We think we know a lot about difficult people. They play the game according to their rules, which creates conflict and stress for everyone else. Characteristics these people may share include:

* Making judgements that close them down to other information;

* Jumping to conclusions without much data;

* Not listening actively;

* Becoming defensive and taking things personally;

* Getting angry, using agressive language and stirring up emotions;

* Becoming passive and withdrawing;

* Saying "yes" when they really mean "no" and not following through;

* Employing intimidation tactics to get their way; and

* Basing negotiation positions on ego rather than the relevant issues.

Starting Point: Look in the Mirror

When I coach people on managing conflict or dealing with difficult people, I start by asking two questions. The first has two parts: "How do you work with difficult people and what is the real problem?" The usual answer is, "Not very well. They create lots of stress and conflict."

Then comes question No. 2: "Are you a difficult person?" A few people will admit that they're difficult. The truth is that all of us can become difficult, defensive or aggressive and create conflict and difficulties for others.

Revisit the above list of common traits of difficult people and see if you recognize things you do. If you're being honest with yourself, you probably will. This doesn't make you a really difficult person, but should let you know that when you encounter conflict, anyone--even you--can become difficult. Whether you see yourself as a difficult person is not the issue. The issue is that we're often unconscious as to how we react to conflicts, and that we fall into an unconscious pattern of behavior. Since our reactions to conflict often determine the situations's outcome, we better be clear about how we react.

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