Vicious weasels.

• Author: durst, Will
• Position: Assorted social and political commentary - Column

At his first inauguration, Bill Clinton said his cabinet was going to reflect America. And it does, with one exception--they all have jobs. Yeah, yeah, I know, his Administration has created ten million jobs. And in order to raise a family, you better have five of them. It's no secret that America's industrial job base is disappearing faster than free beer at a fret party. Sure, the American Dream is still alive, just not for Americans. So you'd think the last thing this country's work force needs right now is for the government to offer cash incentives to companies to relocate in the Caribbean and Central America. But that's what's happening, and guess what, they're using our taxes to do it. That's right, we're paying them to export our jobs, which is like hens giving foxes research grants for midnight raid studies.

* In Madison, Wisconsin, Bob Dole called Bill Clinton's bridge to the twenty-first century `toll bridge.' Of course, if Ross Perot had proposed it, he could have called it a 'boll bridge.'

We former Wisconsinites tend to be pretty proud of our state. Yeah, for each of the last eight years, the Dairy State has been awarded the dubious honor of being voted "most obese state in the Union" by some busybody government study group. Beer is one of the four major food groups. Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

The Badger State is a great place to grow up and an even better place to leave after you've grown up. Most of us traitorous transplants rekindle fond memories every time we see our native sod on the TV. Except for the cheeseheads. You've seen them. At every sporting event. Men, always men. Sobriety-impaired men, with bare chests and large bellies, wearing bright yellow triangular slabs of Styrofoam perched on their heads. It's more embarrassing than your mother driving you to the prom. And the cameras love them. You could have 400 Nobel Prize winners in a room with one drunk wearing a cheesehead, and guess who makes the wire-service photo? I beg of you, ignore the cheeseheads. Let's raise the bar and demand more of our intoxicated dairyland exhibitionists. Entire wheels of real cheese. Or cows. Now that's worth an isolated camera shot.

* "Just Don't Do It," Dole's new anti-drug slogan, has a real nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Imagine how thrilled the Nike people are. It had to have been just one of a large group of potential candidates, and if that's the winner, ooh, I'd hate to see...