The unknown crime king strikes, again! (Back Blast & Other Hot Gases).

Author:Gilmore, Commander

Sometimes when you're an aspiring Crime King, you have to imp-pro-viz to get the job done. But we think Mike Pavitch, 48, could have maybe, ya know, found himself a better hold-up mask. Mikie tried to rob a Circle K store in Augusta, Ga., with a plastic foam beer cooler over his head. Not even stylish. So sad.

Everything else went according to Standard Robbery Plan #1: Mikie approached the counter, pulled out a pistol and started shouting that this is a holdup, with a lot of "gimme the cash," and all that. At least, that's what the clerk thinks Mikie said.

The clerk told police that Mikie's voice was so muffled and echoed so badly in the beer-cooler mask he couldn't make out what he was supposed to do. The more the clerk told Mikie he didn't understand, the louder and faster Mikie shouted, and that only made things worse. After a couple of minutes of Mikie shouting "Umff kibbfubbah!" and "Mooh uhrash-nuhh!" and the poor clerk screaming back, "I can't understand you!" -- Mikie got frustrated, pocketed his pistol and shuffled out, lootless.

True, nobody got a look at Mikie's face at the scene, but they got an excellent description of his cooler-do. And just how hard do you think it was for the cops to catch somebody stupid enough to wear a foam cooler on his head?

Marty Does Retirement

Even with the building business in a slump in Southern California, maybe 73-year-old Martin Randall, former construction consultant, shouldn't have tried a new career. His efforts at taking up bank robbery were brief and botched.

First, Martin drove his own car in the Cathay Bank caper, without even banging rags over the license plates. Then he parked right in front of the bank. Then he went in bareheaded, not attempting to disguise himself or avoid the surveillance cameras. Martin pulled his roscoe, and shoved a handwritten stickup note across the counter. Grabbing the loot, he departed -- and left the note conveniently there for later handwriting comparison.

Poor Marty's next moves were pretty lame, too. He left so nervously and noisily, a bystander outside the bank got the feeling something was wrong with this guy, and wrote down his license number and a description of his car. This came in real handy about 60 seconds later when the police arrived.

Then Marty went straight to his own bank, dumped out the loot bag, counted out $1,000, deposited half and got a cashier's check for $500. The only thing he didn't do was write on it, "Proceeds from robbery of...

To continue reading