Unblushable Bill.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Humor on energy crisis in California, and other topics - Brief Article

"Hey Dubya. How ya doing? California here. You know, the Golden State. Big, long, lanky plot of land hugging the left coast. Not as big as Texas, mind you, but fairly large. Vastish, even. Remember us? We're the ones who sent you that nice fruit basket in the middle of December. Hope you enjoyed the grapes. A little nervous here. You can understand. Anyhow, thanks for agreeing to take this call. Hang on a sec while I preheat the hot tub.

"There. Sorry. Just ground some beans and made myself a double-decaf-no-fat-soy-milk latte.

"Now, if we may, let's get to the point here. Despite our surfer image, we're not totally dim. Obviously, our fifty-four electoral votes could have come in handy, making the whole Florida thing moot. Unfortunately, it was one of those things. Not meant to be. But just because we didn't vote for you doesn't mean we don't respect you as our true Commander in Chief. The time to put petty resentments aside is now. And the time to defrost the roast in the microwave is also now.

"Be right back, and I'll tell the kid to knock off the leaf blower while I'm at it.

"We're back. Straight out? We have problems. To be honest, Mr. President, we're cold. Not Minnesota-ears-break-off-from-frostbite cold, but shorts are not a viable indoors option anymore, which for us is tantamount to being sentenced to North Dakota. And we've got dark. Sudden dark. The worst kind. Imagine how you'd feel if your mother were on an elevator when, without warning, a rolling blackout struck, and she was penned in there with Hillary Clinton for a couple of hours.

"Just think of us as a friendly new neighbor knocking on your door asking to borrow a couple of gigawatts of sugar. Maybe you could personally confab with Kenneth Lay, chairman of Enron, and family friend. God knows, all it would take is a couple of kind words in his ear from you as a pal, and we could be back to wearing flip-flops and tank tops in no time. How `bout it? This isn't the Soviet Union. What's next, bread lines?

"And we're not talking gratis, either. Perfectly willing and able to pay for whatever we can get. We just need something now. Whatever you can spare. Diesel fuel. A couple of tanks of propane. Government-issued Ronson's lighter fluid. Anything. You want to raise exhaust emissions? No problem. Drop a derrick smack dab in the middle of Gray Davis's forehead, for all we care.

"Well, that's enough...