Tying the Gordian knot.

• Author: Cusac, Anne-Marie
• Position: Same-sex marriage - Column

I met my friend Tandy two-and-a-half years ago at a small wedding. As two out lesbians at a mostly heterosexual event, Tandy and I sat and commiserated during the reception. Did this, she wanted to know--nodding toward our newly married buddy, the few close friends she had invited, the piles of strawberries and pineapples. and the bowls of champagne punch--make me want a wedding?

"Not really," I stammered. I had been moved by the ceremony, but Tandy's question took me aback. I had defined myself as outside marriage for years, ever since I started to understand that I was gay and broke a heterosexual engagement because, as I explained to my parents, "It just doesn't feel right." And I found it difficult to think of my own hypothetical wedding to a woman. "Marriage" to me had meant obligatory heterosexuality, loss, and a threat to self-honesty. I had always thought that, if I married, I would no longer know who I was.

Tandy told me the wedding was making her wistful. She envied the ritual; she would have valued the chance to celebrate her love with ceremony and a gathering of her friends and family.

Although some Unitarians and Quakers allow gay unions, general social recognition is something that lesbians and gay men in long-term commitments do not have. Some gay people are intent on changing that and are rejoicing at a decision by Kevin Chang, a circuit-court judge in Honolulu. Chang ruled that the state of Hawaii had failed to show any compelling reason for denying gays and lesbians the right to marry. Tandy sent me an e-mail. "Just in case you haven't heard," it began.

I had heard. Though I have my misgivings about marriage, the news was exhilarating. The idea of full equality under the law gives me a thrill.

For the second time in a year, I found myself hopping in a circle in response to a news event. The other time was when the Supreme Court overturned Colorado's Amendment Two, which had attempted to deny civil-rights protections to gays and lesbians.

When remarkable things like these two court decisions happen, we gay people start buzzing. The once impossible starts to seem possible. One friend observed that, although it was logical to her that a ban on same-sex marriage was discriminatory, it was hard to believe that the Hawaiian courts shared her logic.

By denying us the right to marry, the government effectively denies us a whole list of benefits: family-insurance coverage, tax breaks, special rates on joint credit and banking...