Try To See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores T.
• Position: Book review

TRY TO SEE IT MY WAY: Being Fair in Love and Marriage

BY B. JANET HIBBS AND KAREN J. GETZEN

AVERY OF PENGUIN GROUP, NEW YORK

2009, 308 PAGES, $24.95

What if most relationship difficulties boil down to issues of fairness and justice? In a graceful Occam's razor approach, B. Janet Hibbs and Karen J. Getzen focus on the effects of varying perceptions of fairness within marriage. Drawing on extensive psychotherapy experience and research, the authors explain the underpinnings for each step of their concept and provide specific written exercises in each chapter. While the subtitle, emphasizing "fairness;' sounds vaguely childish, the tone of the book never is patronizing. It is possible that a psychologically immature person willfully could misconstrue the entire book, attempting to turn it into a justification for escalating emotional demands.

Rather than emphasizing fairness simplistically, as too many women's magazines do, with their lists of chores and favors to be exchanged, Hibbs and Getzen present fairness as a construct created by each family, which then is structured anew for each couple. Since our culture has widely diverse norms concerning family life--such as intergenerational relationships, gender roles, and expectations within marriage--the suggestion that each couple must co-invent fairness is more common sense than self-absorption. It is gratifying to fairness elevated beyond some ridiculous, "I'll take out the trash if you do the dishes;' as if married couples were no different than squabbling siblings trying to get the chores done before their mother comes home.

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