Trump's first 100 days.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: OFF THE MAP

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the forty-fifth President of the United States--which, you've got to admit, is mind-boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. appointing Kim Kardashian as chief scientist at the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy.

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Liberals' last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and it didn't burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as Trump took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.

The speech was pretty dark. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldemort. "It's Mourning in America." Trump will be a President for all Americans . . . except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots, and nasty women, especially the fat, disgusting ones.

Nobody knows what happens next, but all signs point to the beginning of a massive political upheaval that will be felt on some of the nearer stars of the Milky Way. Much louder than an exploding container ship stuffed to the bulwarks with Galaxy Note7s.

Some issues linger. President The Donald still isn't convinced the Russians hacked Hillary and the Democrats. Maybe, he's suggested, it was "somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds." Hate to see Chris Christie get thrown under the bus like that. Also can't be good for the bus. Sad.

But now our attention turns not to Trump's vitriolic tweets but to his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World? Here's some of what might yet happen during the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience.

March 1: Trump trademarks "White House" and banks a royalty every time the press shows or mentions it.

March 3: Congress repeals Obamacare and replaces it with Trumpcare, which covers nobody but is advertised as "much more incredibly tremendous."

March 6: An executive order makes it illegal to use the words "climate" and "change" in the same sentence.

March 7: The President tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.

March 8: The President tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.

March 9: The President tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as U.S.S.R. East and U.S.S.R. West.

March 12: The White House [TM] press corps is moved to...