Transformative trauma.

AuthorStanding, Jos-Madelaine
PositionPsychology

WHEN most people hear that a loved one has experienced a life-altering, totally unpredicted traumatic event, they almost immediately respond with, "That's horrible!" With this reaction, they are shutting off their minds and hearts to learning what the event really means. The truth is, in this moment they have forgotten to listen and be present without labeling the experience as being one thing or another. People who learn of someone's hardship too often are so appalled that "it" (whatever it is) has taken place that, instead of cultivating presence with the survivor as attentive listeners, they sit in a stupor while the story of the incident is being told.

As an alternative approach, try, "I am here for you" or "What might I be able to do to help?" We often think that we know the facts of the situation when we hear about someone dying or being murdered, raped, or robbed. When we hear the news of a traumatic event, we may think about it for a flash of a second but, then, more times than not, we forget about it. We fail to think more deeply about the people behind the experience. What was that like for them? Of course, we recognize that traumas are horrible occurrences. Some of us even may send out prayers or sympathy but, when we do, it often is from a distanced, nonempathetic place; we judge other people's traumas as something that happened to them and hope that something similar never happens to us.

For survivors of trauma, perhaps one of the greatest advantages gained from accomplishing their own forward steps of healing is that they may respond differently when in connection with other victims in the future.

A teacher of mine once said, "When you have a feeling and I identify with your feeling, it is empathy." Empathy is an internal process that we very much have command over --it is not a passing feeling that may come or go as it wishes. It is something that we cultivate out of love for the people both new and old in our lives.

What does not help with the healing of our loved ones' traumas or the drama that potentially will result is sympathizing with the circumstances and events. Stating the obvious--"what a horrible event"--does not help the survivor realize anything beyond what already has occurred. Sympathizing with the actual physical events and circumstances energizes an individual's victim story and builds on the negative aspect of the experience.

By contrast, empathizing, which is identifying with the feelings and emotions of...

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