A time for equity loans.

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: THE LETTER CLINIC

THE TIME HAS CYCLED AROUND and banks are in need of placing those overflow deposit dollars out in loans; so the equity line/loan promotions have appeared in the marketplace. Here is one from Citizens Bank that presents a good case (and has a fair amount of cautionary language throughout).

1 The letter layout: The designer of the letter puts erything flush left. This creates a look that is very copy-heavy on the left and full of white space on the right. It would be better to indent the paragraphs, center the subheads, and center the bullet points.

2 The Johnson's Box: The area in the upper-right of this one-page letter does a good job of highlighting the key consumer benefits. It could have been more effective by reducing some copy (you don't really need the "Don't miss this opportunity to save!" the "Citizens Bank Home Equity" and the "To learn more ...").

3 The Salutation: They make the common mistake of not spending the extra time to clean up the prospect's name field to "Dear Allyson," or "Dear Ms. Wachtel."

4 Opening Paragraph: The first half of this paragra ph is fine ... it tells the reader what they need to know; but why get bogged down by bringing in all those words on their "Circle Gold Checking"? It has no real positive impact on trying to make the equity line sale (did the checking product manager have a strong lobby?

5 Bullet Points: There are some key consumer benefits here that are lost in the middle of the copy and easy to read over. Better to center them and give them each a bold face headline introduction, like "Easy Application: Because you're prequalified, applying is quick and easy."

6 Citizens for Homes: The message in the last subhead and paragraph is "Borrow Wisely"; so that is how the subhead should read. And there really is not enough time/room to fully explain their "Citizens for Homes" program; so better not to confuse the reader...