Tilting at windmills.

• Author: Cottle, Michelle

Jesters want the throne

Forget about playing shadowy, Nixonian dirty tricks on one's political opponents, this POTUS race is shaping up to be all about the public trolling--with bonus points awarded for daffiness.

Exhibit A: After Marco Rubio got all sweaty in the endless CNN debate, Team Trump delivered a thoughtful care package to Rubio HQ, containing a case of Trump Ice Natural Spring Water (yep, that's a thing), two towels printed with "Make America Great Again," some Trump bumper stickers, and a note reading, "Since you're always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy!"

Admittedly, Trump lives to publicly gig his adversaries--and has the soul of a carnival barker. But Hillary? Even as Trump was tweaking Rubio, the Clinton campaign sent the entire Republican field copies of her book Hard Choices. A cheeky comeback to attacks lobbed at Clinton during the GOP debate, the book arrived with a friendly note from Hillary: "From working to restore America's standing in the world to bringing crippling sanctions to Iran to negotiating a ceasefire in Gaza, please enjoy all 596 pages of my time as secretary of state. With 15 candidates in the race, you've got enough people for a book dub!"

Then there's the desperate-for-attention Martin O'Malley. In August, the governor tried drawing Trump's fire by rallying outside the billionaire's Vegas hotel with a crowd of hotel workers looking to unionize. The next month, O'Malley pulled an outright goofy stunt aimed both at financial fat cats and the non-grassroots campaigns they fund. Longtime front man for a Celtic rock band, the governor donned his coolest black T-shirt, grabbed his guitar, and spent an hour busking on Wall Street to see if a guy could "make an honest buck" there. According to the video/ fund-raising plea his team subsequently sent out, O'Malley pulled in $1.74 and a pack of gummy bears.

Presidential behavior clearly isn't what it used to be. These days, even our aspiring commanders in chief feel compelled to display what fun-loving, down-to-earth characters they are. Blame it on social media or the Kardashians or Bill Clinton's long-ago willingness to share with us his underwear preferences. But things are getting wacky out there on the trail. At this rate, I half expect to see Jeb! try to pants Rubio in some future debate.

Take my wife, please

Deep into the twelfth hour of the second Republican debate, CNN's Jake Tapper asked candidates what notable woman they would like to see replace Andrew Jackson's face on the $10 bill. Several made solid suggestions: Rand Paul proffered Susan B. Anthony; Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump went with Rosa Parks. Others punted: Jeb Bush bizarrely suggested "Ronald Reagan's partner, Margaret Thatcher"--making you wonder if he really couldn't think of an American lass worthy of U.S. currency. Carly Fiorina did that thing that women who don't want to be accused of playing the gender card do: pooh-poohed the very notion that women are "a special interest" group who need such meaningless "gestures." (I don't know: as the mother of a ten-year-old girl, I'm all for reminding people that U.S. history includes some kick-ass women.) Ben Carson named his mamma.

But the answer that stood out--and not in a good way--came from Mike Huckabee, with his grinning, self-satisfied suggestion that his wife, Janet, be tapped: "Ive been married to her forty-one years. She's fought cancer and lived through it. She's raised three kids and five great grandkids. And she's put up with me. I mean, who else could possibly be on that money other than my wife? And then that way she could spend her own money with her face."

Ick. Let us ignore for a moment that what begins as a cutesy-pie nod to Janet's surviving cancer and motherhood winds up as a joke about how she likes to spend money. (Ha. Ha. Get it? The little woman has a shopping problem.)

More generally, Huckabee's benignly sexist blather is the ultimate in cheap pandering. Candidates looking to score points with the ladies are forever tossing off some variation on the my-wife-is-the-real-superstar theme to try and show what appreciative, not-remotely-self-absorbed husbands they are. (Even the...