Tilting at windmills.

• Author: Peters, Charles
• Position: Cell phones and other irritants

The Reduction of Tom Ridge Sympathy for the Devil Tummy Tucks and Templelifts Father Shanley's Interesting Vocation Succumbing to Cell Phones

WHY DO CELL PHONE USERS tend to shout? The question has long mystified me, but now that I have finally succumbed to progress and acquired one of these devices, I understand. Most of these phones are so small that if you hold one end to your ear, the other end, which on regular phones is in front of your mouth, is at least a couple of inches away, so that you have no confidence that your voice will reach it unless you raise it considerably above its normal level. The truth is that unless the connection is bad, your usual volume will work just fine. But even when you know this to be so, I have to confess that it's hard to overcome the urge to speak up.

By the way, the "quiet car" on Amtrak's Acela Express is a myth. I've been teaching at Columbia this spring and have returned to Washington on that train several times. The 5 p.m. Acela in particular has been so crowded that the quiet car has been taken over by cell phone users. But here's a travel tip: The 4:30 p.m. Metroliner from New York to Washington is running half empty, so that the quiet car is really quiet. The same is true of the 9 a.m. Metroliner from Washington to New York.

Most people seem to think the Acela is a lot faster than the Metroliner. The fact is that the 5 p.m. Acela is only nine minutes faster than the 4:30 p.m. Metroliner, which is also $19 cheaper each way.

WHEN JOSHUA GREEN EXPOSED the absurd disorganization of our defenses against terrorism in these pages a year ago ("Weapons of Mass Confusion," May 2001), he emphasized the need for an office with the power to impose order on the existing chaos. Then came September 11, quickly followed by George W. Bush's promise to do just that by naming Tom Ridge to head the Office of Homeland Security. It has, however, become increasingly clear that Ridge's authority is modest. Recently, a top Pentagon official was asked why Ridge was not consulted about the decision to cut back air patrols over Washington and New York. The reply was: "We don't tell the Office of Homeland Security about recommendations, only about decisions."

SPEAKING OF THOSE AIR PATROLS, the excuse given for the cutback is the great improvement in airport security. The same justification was given for the decision to change the flight paths from Reagan National Airport. And although the decision to eliminate the requirement that air marshals be aboard all flights into Reagan remains classified, I suspect that the same justification applies. Yet over and over, we hear stories indicating that airport security is not so hot. The latest from The Washington Post: "Security Gaps Remain at Dulles." When I recently had a chance to ask Michael Jackson, the Deputy Secretary of Transportation, about these seeming inconsistencies, his reply was that we were protected by "a system of systems." His words would have been more reassuring had he offered any specifics to explain what he meant. Instead, I'm afraid I have to say that his answer strikes me as the kind of bullshit bureaucrats fall back on when they have no real defense for what they're doing

THE REV. PAUL R. SHANLEY, who was recently returned to Massachusetts to answer an indictment for sexual abuse of a child, has enjoyed an unusual religious vocation. While being paid by the Boston archdiocese, he became owner, along with another Roman cleric, the Rev. John J. White, of the Cabana Club Resort in Palm Springs, Calif., described by Nick Madigan of The New York Times as "one of many hotels that cater to the town's gays." Whispering Palms, another hotel owned by White, is described by a guest as "one of the friskier places," featuring nude sunbathing and sex by the pool. But don't think piety was totally neglected amidst the frolic. "On occasion," reports Madigan, "[Father Shanley] helped...