There are times when theology achieves an almost transcendent importance and relevance in human affairs. The syllabus of coffee errors formulated by the Rev. Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick is such a moment. From his blog, Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy:
* Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
* Instant is Apollinarian because it's had its soul removed and replaced.
* Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in a milkshake.
* Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
* Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
* Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
* Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
* The Cafe Bombon is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee, and at others sweetened condensed milk.
* The Caffe Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
* The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with...