The Progressive guide to avoiding extralegal drone assassination.

• Author: Murphy, Ian
• Position: Brief article

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1) Stay clear of danger zones

Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria, Yemen, Somalia, the entire Middle East and Africa, according to Attorney General Eric Holder, theoretically the United States ... basically, avoid Earth when possible.

2) Abstain from swarthiness

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It's also a good idea to renounce your American citizenship, denounce your father, drop the "al." from your name in an act of teenage defiance, and dispense with outdoor eateries.

3) Talk until you need to pee

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That's gobbledygook!

Astonish the nation and shame your Senate colleagues by making your insane Libertarian views finally work for you!*

Remember to rail against impending Nazism and read a Wired article, bladder permitting.

"When discussing the Civil Rights Act, see step 2

4) Run away from explosions

Resist the urge to lollygag around explosions or gawk at debris caused by Hellfire missiles.

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No seriously. The CIA does this thing called the "double tap"--where they wait for onlookers to gather around a smoldering target and then fire again to maximize carnage?

5) "Imminent" disguise

Nothing to kill here! Just a walking shrub.

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As...