The private banker.

• Author: Wachtel, George
• Position: Letter Doctor

Here is a nice-looking piece that recently arrived from Fifth Third Private Bank. The look is very upscale, the message is OK, but there are several ways the mailing could be improved.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

(1) The envelope: The piece comes in the mail in a quality, textured gray #10 business envelope, with a first-class stamp, nicely personalized address and a silver-embossed return address.

(2) The look: The upscale image is carried inside to the letter, also on gray stock, with subtle silver offset printed logo and disclaimer information. The "look" of the page could be improved by: better balancing the white space (too much in upper and lower right); moving the signature block to the right; making the margins narrower, to push the type up and down; and increasing the type size one or two points.

(3) Name Personalization: Nice job of cleaning up the address block and creating a personalized salutation. Only small changes: add a period after the middle initial and expand "Ln" to "Lane."

(4) The opening paragraph: An excellent lead in from my "neighborhood Private Banker." Just a grammatical error: to agree with "many banks," it should be "their local wealth management teams."

(5) The value proposition: If they are "simplifying financial complexity," they should also simplify this statement to be more easily understood.

(6) Wording choices: Too many "Fifth Third's" for one line of type. Better to eliminate one and have it read "... subsidiary of Fifth Third Bank, a diversified ..." And in the next sentence, I am...