The Oval Office Apprentice.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: OFF THE MAP - Column

President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two marriages, armed forces physicals, White House communications department staffing, swamp-draining, and convincing foreign countries to pay for his wall. But one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real knack for pretending to be authentic.

Trumps greatest public triumphs occurred during the fourteen seasons he hosted NBC's The Apprentice, in a command position he likened to a throne. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say "You're fired!" with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected.

Which could explain why Trump runs his presidency as the Oval Office Apprentice. To him, this whole governance thing is little more than a reality game show played on a slightly larger scale. Screw the ramifications as long as the spotlight shines on him and ratings remain high.

Donald Trump picks celebrities to fill positions of authority and then pits these out-of-their-depth amateurs against each other to determine who's the most obsequious. But the show is riveting.

It was spellbinding to see Trump cancel a meeting with Kim Jong-un. But then, we cheered as the two finally met in Singapore for the Worlds Wackiest Leaders with the Most Peculiar Hair Summit. It was a triumph! Until Secretary of State Mike Pompeo went to follow up and discovered it wasn't.

We thrilled as the forty-fifth President considered pardoning Martha Stewart. We were wowed when Kim Kardashian went to the White House for the largest display of pomposity since Jimmy Carter hosted the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Tournament champions.

We were captivated when Trump chastised NATO and called Vladimir Putin

the best thing since sliced bread. We were shocked when his Attorney General cited the Bible to justify Trumps policy of separating immigrant parents from their children, then mesmerized when the President explained that the problem was optics. Apparently, "kids in cages" looks good on paper, but plays less well on TV.

We cried tears of laughter as members of the administration snarkily revealed their theories as to why everything we know is wrong. Racism is good. Health care is bad. Coal is the future. Rich people need more money. Dictators are our...