The Myth of the "Normal" Family.

• Author: SILVERSTEIN, LOUISE B.
• Position: Effect of family structure on children

"Rather than trying to find the `one right way,' parents need to be flexible and creative in finding strategies that work for their particular family."

OUR CULTURAL MYTHOLOGY about parenting is that there is "one right way" to raise children. Most people believe that the best way to raise children is with both a stay-at-home mother (at least while the kids are young) and a breadwinner father in a long-term marriage that lasts "till death do us part." We have been told that any family that is different from this norm shortchanges youngsters.

This point of view has become known as the family values perspective. However, the majority of families do not fit this model. Most mothers have to, or want to, be part of the paid workforce; about half of all marriages will end in divorce; and many more people than ever before will choose to have children without getting married.

New scientific information has emerged in the last 10 years that contradicts the idea that there is one right way. We now know that children can thrive in many different family forms. The scientific evidence shows conclusively that what is important for them is the quality of the relationships they have with the people who care for them, rather than the number, sex, or marital status of their caregivers.

Nevertheless, perfectly normal families that do not fit into the traditional mold feel abnormal and berate themselves for providing their offspring with an inferior version of family life. For these parents, trying to conform to the Myth of the Normal Family often generates guilt, anxiety, power struggles, and other stress.

The Myth of Father Absence maintains that most social problems--like juvenile violence, crime, and teen pregnancy--are caused by the lack of a father. If every child had a father, these social problems would disappear, argue the advocates of this viewpoint.

Susan and John, a middle-class African-American couple, had two boys aged six and 10 when Susan came into therapy asking for help to work out her marital problems. John attended one or two sessions, but then refused to come to therapy. John was a devoted father in terms of spending time with the boys. The marital problems were caused because he was often out of work. He had difficulty getting along with bosses and had recently begun to smoke marijuana.

John was a bright man, but always had difficulty in school. He had graduated from high school with a great deal of tutoring and had gone to junior college briefly. From his description of his struggles in school, he probably had an undiagnosed learning disability. Because these problems had not been understood, John had not gotten the help he...