The Journey, 0317 ALBJ, 78 The Alabama Lawyer 98 (2017)
| Author | Billy O., J. |
Billy O., J.
It was 4:30 in the morning, August 1, 2005.
The fear, loneliness and despair I was experiencing was indescribable. I had been struggling for five hellacious years to get clean and sober. I thought I hit bottom in 2000, but that was a walk in the park compared to the emotional depths I had now reached. It seemed the harder I tried the worse it got. Addiction stripped everything away that was important in my life. I became emotionally, financially and, more importantly, spiritually bankrupt.
In the year 2000 I went from living the American dream, a family with three beautiful children, a beautiful home, a law firm with three partners and numerous other staff members, to being divorced from my family and co-workers later that year. A wise man once told me, "Anything I put ahead of my recovery would cause me to not only lose my recovery, but to also lose whatever I placed in front of it." I found these words to be true the hard way. I was devastated and overwhelmed with shame.
Even after all the destruction addiction brought my way, I was still blind to the truth. I was trying to do things my way. I knew I had a problem, but I failed to face or accept the severity of the situation. My intentions were to recover and be the father and co-worker I knew I could be. Unfortunately, I would often put saving my marriage, saving my law career, saving whatever standing I thought I had in the community ahead of my recovery. This was a recipe for disaster. It was the fuel to the fire that allowed my addictions to escalate, causing my condition, both physically and emotionally, to become chronic. I was engulfed in the cycle of addiction and self-pity.
From April 2000 until August 1, 2005, I would go from treatment center, to halfway house, to living with my mother at the age of 41, back to treatment centers and halfway houses. The cycle of addiction was escalating. I was unwilling to surrender. I thought I could overcome this my way. Everything had always seemed to work out by working hard and putting my mind to it. I thought I had to “put up the good fight” to win the war with addiction, never understanding what it truly meant to “surrender to win.”
Ultimately this led me to that frightful summer morning in 2005 where I reached a place I thought I would never be. My addictions and everything that I thought I knew...
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