The Iowa carcasses.

• Author: Feldman, Michael
• Position: Political caucuses - Column

Just back from Iowa where the locals are referring to the caucuses as the carcasses since the same old ones keep getting dragged out. With some starting to get gamey, there's talk of moving the thing up from February. Given the large field of Republican hopefuls, the fourteen million hogs on standby should prove barely adequate for photo opportunities for each, although the chronic shortage of Iowans (only three million) means that it may be a struggle to maintain the tradition of each candidate shaking each citizen's hand three times.

Dole, Buchanan, Gramm, and Wilson have large operations there, while the coy Newt has sashayed through a la New Hampshire (only hoping for a glimpse of the mythical white boar in lieu of a moose). It's fair to say, after defending the Swine Institute, farm subsidies, and Medicare, most of the hopefuls will be deemed hopeless and not walk off with the heart of Francesca Johnson. Who will prove to be Kincaid and who will be burning their covered bridges behind them? Don't know, but let's talk about it anyway:

Bob Dole: Dole remains the odds-on favorite in Iowa, which is what you would expect from the man who looks like he might have long ago been the son not pictured in American Gothic. You're never too old to stake out a moral position, and nobody minds Hollywood being trashed despite the fact that most of its movies are now being made in Iowa. Running his campaign hard to the right on instructions channeled from Richard Nixon, Dole the Avenger has yet to appear; look for him to eventually break the leash and go for Gramm's fieshy wattles.

Pat Buchanan: Remembered primarily for giving a convention address so vicious and negative that it set back hate speech a full six months, Buchanan steadfastly refuses to compromise his lack of ideals, seeking the Presidency as a Pit Bully pulpit. A possible number two in Iowa, although many still think he's number two anywhere. Buchanan thinks his time has come; revelations that he dresses like Margaret Thatcher around the house could chill his bid.

Newt Gingrich: Danger: if Newt doesn't run now, and doesn't run often enough (and if he puts on only another four or five pounds), he may establish himself as the Ted Kennedy of the right.

Arlen Specter: Single-bullet theory now transmuted into the single-vote theory, Specter is trying hard to make up to women after Anita Hill: fat chance. Has antique value as the last living Republican moderate: if Scranton were Jewish.

Phil...