The five stages of grief.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Sometimes I look at the Democratic Party and don't know whether to laugh or to cry. These guys are as useless as ice skates on an escalator. The one thing you do have to give them is their rank as Grandmaster Hall of Fame residents in the competitive sport of world class whining. "Oh, woe is we. Those Republican no-goodniks stole our precious election. What will happen to the children?"

They're shocked, shocked by the corruption going on in this country. You lame weenie butts. Of course the Republicans stole the election. They got away with stealing it last time: What did you expect would happen this time? That they'd just sit back and let the big money chips fall where they may? "Oh, we big time corporate hustlers don't care to mess with the system with trillions of dollars in profits on the line. We'll just abide by the will of the people. That's the honorable thing to do." Hah, I say. I say it again: Hah. And then repeat: hah hah.

Either the Dems knew this was going to happen or they're stupider than I give them credit for, and I give them immense credit for being stupid. So, allowing them the benefit of the doubt, I blame them for not stealing the election first. They'll probably think of trying it next time (and dismiss it out of hand), but after November 2 they were too busy progressing through the five stages of Democratic grief.

DENIAL: "Wait! Wait! Wait! It's not over. We're going to recount Ohio. And then you watch what happens. Conyers is on the case. He'll break through the blockade of deceit."

ANGER: "Screw Florida, screw all old people, screw the Christian Right, and screw the damn kids. I hope Bush reinstates the draft. Does the term 'the Ukraine' have any meaning here?"

BARGAINING: "Where's M Gore when we need him? Can't we go back to the halcyon days of the Gore-Lieberman campaign and our cherished Social Security lockbox? Dear God, you can have Kerry...