The Application of the Polyvagal Theory to High Conflict Co‐Parenting Cases

• Author: Elizabeth Bailey,Frank Davis,Deborah Dana,Rebecca Bailey
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12485
• Date: 01 April 2020
• Published date: 01 April 2020

THE APPLICATION OF THE POLYVAGAL THEORY TO HIGH

CONFLICT CO-PARENTING CASES

Rebecca Bailey, Deborah Dana, Elizabeth Bailey, and Frank Davis

Families, litigants, lawyers, advisors embroiled in cases of complex divorce with child contact issues, manage many

stressors at once. Participants involved with these types of cases are often exhausted and burned-out from the long-term

battles of prolonged litigation. The inability to problem-solve or even communicate effect ively reflects the chaos and trau-

matic stress of the experience and can be seen as a hallmark of this population. When people are consistently stressed,

there is a breakdown of communication skills that can create an immunity to receiving help from any direction. Often all

parties involved appear to be both hyper-alert to po tential threat, and hyper-reactive to one another: no one feels safe. Ste-

phen Porges’Polyvagal Theory is premised on the idea that neuroception plays a key role in the nervous system’s ability

to assess danger in the envir onment. Neurocepti on is a neurophysiologica l response that does not involve cognitive

processing. When cognit ive processing is not involved , the result may lead to misi nterpretatio n of, and an inability to

accurately assess situations: exe cutive functioning including rational thinking and communication s kills are lost to physio-

logical response. Rather than evaluating families and individuals involved in the aforementioned complex divorce cases

through the lens of pathology, Polyvagal Theory explains their behavior as an ad aptive stress reaction. Utilizing Polyvagal

Theory offers a promising path to treatment with these families and diminishing the poor communication and the height-

ened emotion, assisting practitioners in understanding the impact of neurobiological response in managing stress and

trauma. Applying Polyvagal Theory to court involved populations can help both litigants and practitioners recognize the

role of the autonomic nervous system, providing the opportunity to understand, to self-regulate, and to improve communi-

cation and decision making.

Key Points for the Family Court Community:

Separation and divorce.

The impact of Parent/Child contact problems in high-conflict divorce and separation.

The impact of high conflict co-parenting cases on family law and mental health professionals.

Interventions: Current practice Polyvagal theory.

Polyvagal informed therapy.

Effects of polyvagal approach and self regulation.

Managing physiological response from a cognitive perspective.

Clinical setting and polyvagal theory.

Family therapy and polyvagal theory.

Experiential framework and polyvagal theory.

*Equine assisted therapy, polyvagal perspectives and alternatives.

Processing chaos and grief.

Other opportunities for making connection.

Implementation for professionals.

Keywords: Autonomic Regulation; Dysregulation; Favored Parent; High Conflict Divorce; Neuroception; Parent Child

Contact Problems; Parental Alienation; Polyvagal Theory; Rejected Parent.

I. A FEELING OF SAFETY

When people are consistently stressed by abuse, neglect, fear, or deprivation, bodily systems

break down (Black, 2002). Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness interfere with problem solving

abilities (Gotlib & Asarnow, 1979). Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and chronic stress

Corresponding: drbailey@transitioningfamilies.com

FAMILY COURT REVIEW, Vol. 58 No. 2, April 2020 525–543

© 2020 Association of Family and Conciliation Courts

generate an alertness to threat and a feeling of lack of safety in which mental processing falls sec-

ond to adaptive survival responses (Williamson, Porges, Lamb, & Porges, 2015).

An individual’s history, the present moment environment, and the people in that same environ-

ment will each have an impact on both the embodied and cognitive understanding of safety and will

affect physiological and psychological responses to perceived danger. Parents and children involved

in litigation over divorce or separation often feel threatened by impending change and worry about

limited resources as one household becomes two. Lengthy involvement with the legal system is

likely to perpetuate the perception of danger, and uncertainty about the future threatens a sense of

safety. In response, individuals engage in one of the reflex responses pre-programmed by evolution:

fight, flight, freeze, collapse or connect.

A sense of not feeling safe naturally and indeed predictably leads adults and children into

an adaptive survival response. Without the lens of Polyvagal Theory, these autonomically

enacte d respon ses may be viewed a s volunta ry acts a nd often a re erro neously l abeled as r esis-

tance, non-compliance, or disinterest. By understanding these behaviors as adaptive survival

responses and exploring the factors triggering the sense of a lack of safety, clinicians and pro-

fessionals can move away from assigning motivation and moral meaning towards in favor of

increased awareness, understanding, and a greater capacity to intervene effectively. Without

the layer of social judgment, clinicians and professionals can help all parties experience a

sense of agency, feel included in the process and cope more effectively with inevitable

changes.

When parents are in conflict, it may appear to the child that no one is caring for them. This

experience activates a perception of danger and an autonomic response (that is involuntary or

instinctual) and the child may move into a survival mode. Children who have become polarized

as a way to cope with the adult conflict may commonly report a vague sense of “feeling uncom-

fortable”when in the presence of t he least favored parent , and some will display a real sense of

fear. The very use of the word “safety”may provoke a feeling of unease and discomfort. Chil-

dren who have repeatedly been told they are safe and yet do not have a subjective feeling of

security often cannot trust any adult reassurance and, in order to survive, instinctively learn to

not listen to their own internal feelings. For parents, children, and the professionals working

with these families, letting go of both judgment and the need to assign blame, and bringing

curiosity and attention to the cues of danger triggering the survival response is a step toward

creating a collaborative process.

This article will explore emotionally volatile, separating, divorcing or divorced couples where

child contact problems exist, the professionals who are affected while working with these cases, and

an approach to emotional regulation utilizing Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011). Significantly,

research suggests that a strong relationship between parents and children is even more important to

the well-being of the child than the level of conflict or type of co-parenting relationship between

those parents (Nielsen, 2017) and thus, the focus of the process must be on promoting safe commu-

nication and social connection. This article encourages the utilization of a polyvagal-informed inter-

vention as an approach to shifting the internal processing and patterns of connecting of the

individuals, families, and professionals involved in cases of high conflict co-parenting after separa-

tion or divorce with parent–child contact problems. Integration of this approach may enable moving

from a state of volatility and conflict to one of perceived social connection and safety, promoting

better quality in relationships, clearer thinking, improved communication, increased problem-

solving skills, and better outcomes for children and their parents, and for the professionals who

work with them.

II. SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

The process of separation is often complicated by disagreement between the separating partners.

Conflict develops over finances, property, and other possessions and, for those with children, the

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