Ten miles square.

• Author: Frank, T.A.
• Position: Bass fishes in the river

"... such district (not exceeding ten miles square) ... [shall] become the seat of the government of the United States."--THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES

"Abnormally developed fish, possessing both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River ... raising alarms that the river is tainted by pollution that drives hormone systems haywire. The fish, smallmouth and largemouth bass, are naturally males but for some reason are developing immature eggs inside their sex organs ... [Representatives] at area utilities said there was no evidence that tap water taken from the Potomac was unsafe to drink."--The Washington Post, September 6, 2006

POTOMAC SPRINGS CORPORATION

Potomac River Plaza Washington, D.C.

11-13-2006

Dear Mr. Tropboire,

We are in receipt of your letter of Nov. 9 in which you complain of symptoms that you connect to water processed at our utility company. While we understand your surprise at having developed a large pair of breasts with fully functioning mammary glands, we can assure you our researchers have found no conclusive link between your symptoms and consumption of Potomac River water, a beverage of the highest caliber.

In addition, yes, we have read reports of intersexed fish but must say we find bass to be among the least credible species of the fish group. We see no profit in entertaining their case.

We understand that your wife has had complaints as well, especially over the unwelcome forest of chest hair, but let us assure you: God could not have designed a body of water more richly suited for drinking than that of the Potomac. We feel that sometimes the best palliative for any ailment is to have a tall glass of its cool, restorative freshness.

Best wishes, Potomac Springs Corporation

POTOMAC SPRINGS CORPORATION

Potomac River Plaza Washington, D.C.

2-14-2007

Dear Mr. Tropboire,

Congratulations. We're delighted to hear you're expecting, and we see no reason for concern. Think of seahorses. We'd ask if the baby-to-be is a boy or girl, but labels are confining.

You write that you feel lingering doubts over water quality in the Potomac River, and your feelings are...