Teaching children self-control.

• Author: Cortes, Ivana
• Position: Life in America

IF YOU have not heard of the Marshmallow Test, here is how it goes: a four- to six-year-old is given the choice of eating one marshmallow right now or waiting awhile and receiving two marshmallows instead of one. The child then is left alone with the temptation--one marshmallow--and the decision.

In the original 1960s Stanford University study, it immediately was clear that children who ate the marshmallow in three minutes or less had the least self-control amongst their peers, but future follow-up revealed that they also experienced poorer outcomes overall, ranging from lower SAT scores to less stable relationships to lower career success and poorer health. Conversely, children who were able to wait the longest for the reward (and hence, double their pleasure) had equally consistent outcomes of greater success in school, relationships, work, and health in adulthood.

Subsequent studies have confirmed that self-control is one of the strongest predictors for future success. So, how can parents help their children acquire this valuable skill? Though every child has natural tendencies toward patience or rowdy demands, self-regulation is a learned skill. It has to do with being able to step back, weigh the choices and consequences, and then make good decisions.

It is easy to read in a book, blog, or article that your child ideally should have a laundry list of qualities, skills, and attributes but, usually, it is much harder to cultivate those things in everyday life. As with most things you want your kids to learn, the key to developing self-control and perseverance is linking effort with reward.

It never is too early to start giving your children the tools they will need to be successful throughout their lives. As you focus on this goal, remember that self-control is not just about waiting; it includes self-regulation and -motivation. Read on for eight tips on how to help your children learn self-control: Say no to kiddie extortion--period. Picture this: your three-year-old daughter comes to you and says, "Mommy, I want some-a dose cookies ova dere." You know exactly what she is talking about: the bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies your mother-in-law dropped off earlier in the day. Problem is, it is almost bedtime, and the last thing you want is your daughter on a sugar high. You start to shake your head, and it starts--the trembling lip; flushed cheeks; watering eyes. You are tempted to give in and hand over the cookie now before the crying or--heaven forbid--full-out hysterics begin. Stay strong. Do not cave into whiny demands and offer a reward for a measly effort at self-control, or no effort at all. This is what I call kiddie extortion: parents are held ransom by a fitful child until they, too, want to scream. Yes, we all have been there, and...