RepubliCare talking points.

• Author: Feldman, Michael
• Position: What Do I Know?

1. Malpractice will be repositioned as Malpatience, applying to all individuals habitually seeking unneeded medical attention. Office visits for unnecessary exams that reveal nothing of medical interest will be prosecuted as fraud.

2. For the purposes of this legislation, "wellness" is not a word, nor is "probiotics," "homeopathic," "ju ju," "naturopathic," "hoodoo," "Unani," "Ayurveda," "transcendental meditation," "kundalini" (with or without a Siddha Guru), and other non-Western terminologies.

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3. Medical insurers will be regulated by the Rancho Santa Margarita, California, Better Business Bureau at (714) 985-8922 during regular business hours. Emergency calls will be returned in the order received from Bangalore Health, 24-7.

4. Under RepubliCare, small businesses will be empowered to band together to form multinational conglomerates with interlocking directorates, the better to lobby against big government mandates showered on employees lucky to be working at all in this Democrat economy. RepubliCare will cover 90 percent of the already insured.

5. Universal family practice will be available through School Nurse Care between 8 a.m. and 3:20 p.m. Note that school nurses are permitted to dispense only water and Midol. Traditional family members will be able to band together for Friends and Traditional Family Coverage outside their states via Travelocity, which offers the North American Comprehensive Health Plan, Tijuana meds, and Windsor office calls, along with guaranteed best rates at up to three-star hotels and an unlimited mileage Ford Focus.

6. RepubliCare recommends Wal-Mart Pharmacies for all your prescription needs at everyday low prices, this week featuring name-brand Insulin rolled back to $19.97. Birth control, morning-after pills, ED medications, and Ritalin available at the discretion of your Wal-Mart pharmacist.

7. By...