A TALE OF TRAUMA.

• Author: Mattern, Susan
• Position: LITERARY SCENE - Essay

WOULDN'T it be great if we could prevent bad things from happening just by listening to our moms? "Always wear your seat belt."Be good."Don't play in the street." "Watch both ways." "Don't get too close to the edge!" If only it were that simple, but trauma does not happen like that. It certainly will not be the thing you are most afraid of, whether it is a plane crash or a bite from a shark, snake, or spider--and it likely will not be the things your mom warned you about. I can almost guarantee that, although I am sure she gave some very good advice.

Our family's trauma happened one beautiful spring Sunday in Southern California. My husband and I were on a short hike in a county park with our two children, ages nine and five. He and our son had gone ahead on the trail. Laura and I wanted to stay in the stream and look for tadpoles. A mountain lion came out of nowhere, from behind our five-year old daughter, grabbed her by the head, and leapt away with her.

She was rescued by a very brave man who fought off the lion with a tree branch, and then was taken to a trauma center with massive wounds to her head and face. We did not know how she could live with such terrible injuries.

That night in the hospital, while we waited to hear if she would live through the 14-hour operation, I had one of those strange thoughts that seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought about Jimmy, the little boy down the street. He was Laura's age, and ran around unsupervised all day long. I had seen cars swerve to avoid hitting him as he ran out in the street. Nothing like that would happen to my children; I would not let Laura play outside unless I was with her, and never in the street. It was too dangerous. We always wore our seat belts, and took every precaution against injuries and accidents. We tried to be the best parents to our children--and now my child was struggling for her life, and Jimmy was fine, probably still in the street at this late hour.

It was not fair. We had done everything right. Why had everything turned out so wrong?--but that is how trauma is. It was at that moment in the hospital when I realized that God might not be punishing us or testing us. Maybe he was not being cruel to Laura or our family. It took me years to finally come to this conclusion: He was not even there.

Life is all random--being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Terrible things happen to good people, and good things happen to terrible people. The universe, fate, nature--whatever you choose to call it--is kind and cruel in equal measure, and it had nothing to do with us humans and our kindness or cruelty or our prayers--all of those theological insights from a former nun. Yes, I had joined the convent and been a nun for six years. I left a convent, but never left my faith until that night in the...