Sue everyone!(Off the Map)

• Author: Durst, Will

It doesn't matter which side of the budget battleground you stick your rhetorical bayonet in, one thing we can all agree on, is ... our government is broke. Broke. Broke. Broke. Stone broke. Destitute. Down and out. Indigent. Flat busted. Hard up. Cleaned out. On the skids. Short of currency. Devoid of money. Decidedly unprosperous. Financially strapped. Insolvent. Not currently considering any luxury acquisitions--such as gum. Residents of Church Mouse City with moths the size of pterodactyls flying out of our wallets. Dirt poor without the dirt. Tapped.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

It's not like there isn't any money. There are still plenty of people, corporations, and foreign countries swimming in it. The question is: How do we glom onto some of theirs? Answer: We take it. It's the American Way. At this very moment we have more than 110,000 civil ser vice workers wasting away in the Department of Justice. They're sitting around accessing Internet porn while pretending to rewrite regulations nobody wants to read when they could be doing important things like suing people. And settling out of court. For hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of money.

And repeating.

This country is an injured party, and we should act accordingly by exacting retribution. We got the lawyers. Let's use them. All we need is a taste. From everyone.

Sue Rupert Murdoch for felonious malfeasance for distilling all political discourse into "Us good--them bad."

Sue McDonald's for child endangerment and threatening Homeland Security by producing a generation of kids too fat to fight.

Sue China for malicious intent by encouraging out insatiable consumerism. Sue the Cayman Islands for collusion and grand theft until they give us half the offshore monies hidden in their banks.

Sue Madison Avenue for violating simple common human decency by propagating the stereotype that kicking a man in the...