Subway Tutors for Hillary.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: A New York to-do list for Hillary Clinton - Brief Article

Hillary Clinton's New York to-do list:

* Find a secure four-bedroom apartment with two and a half baths, parking, a fireplace, and a view of Central Park for around $1,500. Maybe on the East Side near Bloomies. FedEx Chelsea a key, but not him.

* Get sixteen courtside seats for the Knicks. Find out who they play and what the deal is. Hint: Get Mandy to debrief Spike Lee. What else is going on? Football, or that thing on ice with sticks?

* Find someone we can trust who can decipher what the hell Sharpton is talking about. See about fast-tracking him a temporary ambassadorship to some small nation far, far away.

* Double-check to make sure security detail includes no off-duty New York City cops. Call our buddies at the Arkansas Highway Patrol.

* Need two subway tutors, and a couple of off-island translators.

* Opposition research. Where's Rudy's soft spot? Besides the top of his head, that is.

* Get Woody Allen to do a fundraiser, but keep him the hell away from Chelsea.

* The five boroughs are Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, and Richmond. What the hell is Richmond? Throw me a bone, people.

I guess since the Knicks made it to the NBA finals on the shoulders of Latrell Sprewell, and that means coach Jeff Van Gundy keeps his job, you could say Sprewell saved his coach's neck.

Recently on Air Force One, William Jefferson Clinton idly mentioned to the press corps assembled nearby, "If I could run again, I would." Well, he can't. It's not that we don't want him to. No, no. Would that he could run again and again and again until he's as old and wrinkled as a sarcophagus, or looks like Bob Dole, whichever comes first. It's that goshdarned Twenty-Second Amendment preventing it. But lovable old Brillo Head will only be fifty-five years old when he retires. And there are plenty of ways he could cash in after eight years of what some marketers consider a high-profile position:

* A series of guest appearances on Veronica's Closet.

* Check out Playboy's party school issue and gang apply to be president of every institution in the top ten.

* Write a book revealing all the stuff he thought was right was wrong, and all the stuff we thought was wrong was.

* Enroll in a Pavlovian training course to learn how to curtsy every time he hears himself referred to as "the Senator's husband."

* As a fallback position, have his successor appoint him Ambassador to Sweden. Or have his good friend, the president of show business Steven...