Solving the sociopath.

• Author: Vaishali
• Position: Psychology - Column

I HAD YET ANOTHER conversation, with yet another friend, who found herself reeling from an intimate relationship with yet another predatory sociopath. The story is typical: the sociopath was married yet claimed he was not. The sociopath falsely maintained he had cancer, so he could travel with impunity between the people he strung along. He was charming; he ingratiated himself to the entire family and their circle of friends. If anyone questioned his behavior or came close to connecting the dots of his rampant deceit, the sociopath would become outraged and shift blame onto his intended victim. He spouted poisonous lies every time he opened his mouth--and, of course, it is a given that the sociopath had no remorse for the wail of human destruction he left in his wake, and, in fact, actually enjoyed knowing his activities were twisting a knife that would leave permanent scars.

Not only have I heard this story before, but I have a couple to tell myself. Even without knowing theft personal situations, I could recite chapter and verse how these individuals got caught up in the web that the sociopath weaves so well. I also know the anguish and deep-seated feelings of pain and betrayal that one goes through when the whole house of cards finally collapses and realization that the person who claimed to love you the most is as toxic as nuclear waste.

It is not my intention to give a lot of exposure to sociopaths in our brief time together. There is a lot of valuable information available these days about their profile and how to spot them. One of the best sources is Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus The Rest Of Us. What I want to do is focus instead on how to go about picking up the pieces after this bomb has exploded in your life.

There are many different "types" of sociopaths, but I am going to focus on recovery from the love, or romantic sociopath-predator relationship. Sociopathical predators love tearing your world--and especially your self-esteem--to shreds. They revel in the knowledge that they are destroying you in ways that can be undetectable. The most crucial thing to bear in mind when taking your life and power back from these insidious, conscienceless forces of destruction is not to beat yourself up. The sociopath predator already has done a professional job of just that. You are the only person with a conscience and functional moral compass in this equation. You are the sole force of integrity and honesty in...