Short-circuiting family spats.

Fred Piercy, professor of marriage and family therapy at Purdue University, grew up as an only child, pampered and coddled when he was ill. His wife was raised in a family of military men, who took care of themselves when they were ill. After the marriage, he couldn't understand why she wasn't waiting on him hand and foot when he didn't feel well. She, on the other hand, thought he was being a baby.

"We had different assumptions coming into the marriage," Piercy explains. "While that hasn't ruined our marriage, it's similar situations that often cause stress and repeated cycles of arguments for married couples. it's those unspoken contracts and expectations that lead to many repeated disagreements."

He points out that, when couples are asked to predict their next argument, most can do so easily. "If you can predict what the argument will be about, you can plan to stop it before it starts.

"There are many different ways of settling or diffusing ongoing arguments. Misunderstandings are part and parcel of living. All couples have things they disagree about. What's important is that discussions take place without hurting either person. Many times, when couples begin to argue, the argument takes over and all reason is lost. People easily slip into attacks and counterattacks and lose sight of the original discussion altogether." What starts out as a discussion about buying a new refrigerator turns into an argument about money and a lengthy shouting match. The same thing happens when talking about the weekly grocery bill, and the cycle goes on and on. Piercy maintains that it's okay, and healthy, to disagree and to discuss those disagreements. "Couples need to try to transform the discussion into something productive instead of something destructive."

He cautions that it's all too easy to settle into hurtful, repetitive, and predictable ways of arguing with...