Death comes to "Larry King Live." (satire on tobacco lobbyist being interviewed) (excerpt from book "Thank You for Smoking")

• Author: Buckley, Christopher

Christopher Buckley's new novel, Thank You For Smoking, tells the story of Nick Naylor, chief spokesman for the fictional Academy for Tobacco Studies (the smoking lobby). Here, just after an interview on "Oprah" in which Naylor was confronted with a boy dying of cancer linked to second-hand smoke, he goes on "Larry King Live" to try to repair the damage.

Sammy Najeeb, Larry King's producer and a force of nature, six-foot-something, big, hearty, came to fetch Nick in the reception area and take him to makeup. "I used to smoke like a chimney," she said.

"It's never too late to take it back up again," Nick said. "By the way, who's on the second segment?"

"You don't want to know," Sammy said.

Nick stopped. "Not the cancer kid?"

"No. This isn't Oprah. But you're in the right ballpark."

"Who?"

"Trust me, you won't have to be in the same room at the same time, I promise. It's all fixed. I gave instructions."

"Who?"

"It's Lorne Lutch."

"I'm on with the Tumbleweed Man? Are you nuts?"

"You're not on with anyone. It's two completely different segments. Look, it's not a setup, Larry wanted you on, then Atlanta said he had to put someone else from the other side on after, for balance."

"Balance," Nick muttered.

"It's gonna be fine. Larry loved what you did on Oprah. He's a fan. He used to smoke three packs a day."

"Hi there," said the makeup lady.

Fuming, Nick took his seat. "Have you got Innocent Bisque?"

"I'm out of Innocent," she said. "But Indigo is close."

"All right. And Tawny Blush highlight."

Jesus, the Tumbleweed Man. For over 20 years the very symbol of America's smoking manhood in the saddle, his rugged, granite face on the back cover of every magazine, on bill-boards, on TV, in those happy bygone days. Now he was breathing through a hole in his throat and with every breath he had left--which was not many, thank God, according to Gomez O'Neal, the head of the Academy's intelligence unit--paving his way to the Pearly Gates by warning everyone about the evils of smoking. Ironically, it was Nick who had talked Total Tobacco Company management out of suing him for breach-of-faith, on the grounds that it would do no good to the industry's image to sue a dying man with three kids and 12 grandchildren, especially since his croaky pleas to the nation's youth not to smoke had made him a media darling (at least with the broadcast media since they couldn't accept cigarette ads anyway). Maybe, thought Nick bitterly, he could trot out this pathetic little detail in his defense tonight.

Sammy was hovering, as if she didn't trust him not to flee down the fire stairs with his makeup bib still on.

Larry King was very welcoming. "Good to see you. Thanks for coming."

"Pleasure," Nick said tightly. His trapezius muscles were hypercontracting. He was going to need...