Restoring the bloom to the rose.

• Position: Successful marriage relationships

In a society actively seeking continual excitement and instant gratification, the benefits of long-term relationships frequently are obscured. Married couples often experience the so-called "seven-year itch," but that restlessness can return at 20, 30, 40, or even 50 years.

Suggested solutions have ranged from the "Total Woman" approach--wives wearing nothing but plastic wrap when greeting their spouses at the door--to advocating open marriage or extensive counseling. Where does the happy medium lie? How can couples restore the "bloom: to their marriage?

"There are some natural |dips' or times when there tend to be periods of doubt, even in successful marriages," indicates Gordon Deckert, David Ross Boyd Professor of Psychiatry, University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center. "These dips occur after five to seven years of marriage. There also can be |recontracting' or restructuring of the relationship as the partners reach age 30. It's part of the |Oh my gosh, I'm 30. Now what?' mentality."

This syndrome also occurs in the mid 40s or at about the same time the couple's children are leaving the nest. It can crop up again in the early to mid 60s, when the adjustment to retirement is made. "The thing to remember is that there are natural ups and downs in life which impact even happy marriages. Statistically, we know that the time couples say they are most satisfied with their marital relationship is when those couples are over age 65. So the |bloom' of a relationship actually improves as the marriage gets older."

Communication is the key to getting a dull or s trained relationship back on track. "However, couples need to understand the very clear differences in the way men and women talk. Men have a tendency to give |report' talk, and women have a tendency to use |rapport' talk. An example is the woman who come home from work and wants to talk to her husband about difficulties on the job. He listens, gives suggestions, and then doesn't understand why she's getting increasingly agitated. The reason in that often women use talk to elicit encouragement and involvement. The man doesn't realize that she doesn't want a plan of action; she wants emotional bolstering."

Because...