Resolutions that weren't.

AuthorDurst, Will
PositionOff the Map

Congratulations, we're almost a tenth of the way into this flesh annum, and many of us have actually gotten used to writing 2013 on our checks. Checks? Aren't we the analog ones. And how are you doing with your New Year's resolutions? Here's a list of what resolutions should have been made for this, the fourth year of the second decade of the twenty-first century, but probably weren't.

The 113th Congress resolved to supersede the 112th Congress's successes by accomplishing even less. Otherwise known as ... absolutely nothing.

Joe Biden took an oath to open every press conference with "Who wants a piece of me?"

President Obama pledged to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involved raising the retirement age to eighty-three.

Stung by NFL violence, Nike vowed never again to tie its star to overpaid athletes and considered featuring schoolteachers in its ads. That probably lasted an hour.

Governor Jerry Brown promised to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the rundown, long-term parking shuttle that is California.

Donald Trump committed himself, sometime during the coming year, against his better judgment, to somehow stumble onto the semblance of a clue.

The airline industry made every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known: passengers.

General David Petraeus vowed to eat more meals at home. Alone. In the garage.

Tim Pawlenty vowed to supporters to utilize the latest strobe technology to at least give the appearance of movement.

PBS vowed not to do anything to rile Congress by transforming itself into the twenty-four-hour Antiques Roadshow Network. Minus all that reprehensible controversy.

The European financial crisis promised to fade into the wings.

The Asian financial crisis promised to take center stage. Clint Eastwood vowed to rehearse more.

Chris...

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