Republican cage battles.

• Author: Durst, Will
• Position: Off the Map

Relax. Settle down. It's not necessarily the flu making you jittery, confused, and feverish. Could very well be radioactive spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved civil war waging within the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs are rebooting for the umpteenth time. And the big money is praying these self-proclaimed frugal guys purchased their huge caches of defibrillators and CPR paddles in bulk from Costco. "CLEAR!"

Change may emanate from the top, but in a blast from nearer the rump of the totem, Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Super PAC. It's the first of what might be known as the Super Duper PACs. Initial reports have the man affectionately referred to as Turd Blossom and Bush's Brain calling his Frankenstein fund-raising monster the "Conservative Victory Party."

Sounds like a natural response coming from the guy who famously threw an Election Night Hissy Fit on Fox News because Mitt Romney wasn't being properly victorious enough. "Wait, wait, wait. No, I'm telling you, its not over. There's a cul-de-sac in a suburb on the outskirts of Shaker Heights that hasn't checked in yet!"

Rove outlined plans to siphon large piles of cash from donors to support moderates in primary elections so Republicans no longer have to enter the generals defending some bat guano crazy candidate like Christine "I Am Not a Witch" O'Donnell or Todd "Magic Fallopian Tube" Akin. Of course, the Tea Party has taken great offense to this move, seeing it as incredibly hostile toward their bat guano crazy candidates.

So you got those two factions going at it. And with looming demographic flips in mind, there's a battle brewing to make the party more attractive to Hispanics. This undertaking has fallen into two camps: those arguing to temper policies opposing immigration reform, and those favoring more cosmetic solutions like wearing sombreros.

Meeting on this great national battlefield, opponents continue to quarrel over the Rights of the Right. One side holds...