Recoupling in Mid‐Life and Beyond: From Love at Last to Not So Fast

• Author: Patricia L. Papernow
• Published date: 01 March 2018
• Date: 01 March 2018
• DOI: http://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12315

Recoupling in Mid-Life and Beyond: From Love at

Last to Not So Fast

PATRICIA L. PAPERNOW*

To read this article in Simplified Spanish, please see the article’s Supporting Information on Wiley

Online Library (wileyonlinelibrary.com/journal/famp).

Divorce rates have dropped in the United States, except for couples over 50 where they

are rising steeply, along with rates of late-life recoupling. Both stepcouples and their

young adult and adult children in new older stepfamilies are often surprised to find

themselves facing many of the same challenges that younger stepfamilies do. Some chal-

lenges are even intensified by the decades-long relationships and additiona l layers of

extended family that come with recoupling after mid-life. Stepfamilies formed in later

life must also negotiate decisions about estate planning and elder care among stakehold-

ers who often have sharply divergent agendas before there is time to establish trusting

relationships. This article describes the “normal” challenges facing stepcouples who come

together over age 50. It provides evidence-informed guidance for therapists in meeting

these challenges on three levels of clinical work: Psychoeducational, Interpersonal, and

Intrapsychic/Intergenerational. As in younger stepfamilies, “family therapy” must usu-

ally begin in subsystems—often the adult stepcouple and parent–adult child. The article

then describes a particularly fraught subgroup of recouplers: over-50 fathers and their

new partners, where the dad’s young adult or adult daughter is very unhappy with his

new relationship. In these latter stepfamilies, father–daughter repair must precede step-

family bonding. Stepfamilies that are preceded by a partner’s death and thos e that begin

with affairs are also discussed. Finally, some “easy wrong turns” for therapists are

described.

Keywords: Late-Life Stepfamilies; Middle-Aged and Older Stepcouples; Adult

Stepchildren; Late-life Divorce and Remarriage; Stepfamily Therapy; Stepfamilies after

Death or an Affair

Fam Proc 57:52–69, 2018

Americans 65 and older are the fastest-growing segment of the U.S. population (U.S.

Census Bureau, 2014). Although rates of divorce in the United States have generally

dropped and evened out since their peak in the 1980s, the stark exception is among those

over 50, where the divorce rate doubled between 1990 and 2010 (Brown & Lin, 2012) along

with a concomitant steep rise in late-life recoupling (Brown & Lin, 2013). Indeed, the fast-

est-growing users of internet dating sites are not millennials, but “silver surfers” (Watson

& Stelle, 2011). Nonetheless, an entire 2016 issue of the American Psychologist devoted to

the mental health needs of aging Americans makes no mention at all of “gray divorce” or

late-life recoupling (Gatz, Smyer, & DiGilio, 2016).

Most stepfamily scholarship also continues to focus on stepfamilies with children

under 18 (Ganong & Coleman, 2017, 2018; Stewart, 2007). Nonetheless, as the

*Institute for Stepfamily Education, Hudson, MA.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Patricia L. Papernow, Institute for

Stepfamily Education, 6 Westridge Rd., Hudson, MA 01749. E-mail: ppapernow@gmail.com.

52

Family Process, Vol. 57, No. 1, 2018 ©2017 Family Process Institute

doi: 10.1111/famp.12315

demographic statistics would predict, stepcouples formed after “gray divorce,” and their

adult children, are increasingly appearing in our offices. They are often stunned to find

themselves facing many of the same challenges that younger stepfamilies do. The myth

for the stepcouple is, “The dog is dead, and the kids are grown. It’s just us and now it’s

our time.” For adult children, it is, “I’m a grown up. This won’t affect me.” In fact, it is

not “just us” and parent–child relationships are forever. At this later life stage, normal

stepfamily challenges are sometimes even intensified by decades-long ex-spouse and

parent–child relationships, as well as by multiple intergenerational layers of extended

family. Skilled help can make a big difference in meeting these challenges. However,

relying upon first-time family clinical models is inadequate, misleading, and even

destructive (Browning, 2017; Browning & Artfelt, 2012; Papernow, 1993, 2008, 2013,

2015b, 2018).

This article begins with a description of how stepfamilies differ from first-time families.

An overview of how the “normal” challenges facing stepfamily members of all ages play

out in later life is provided, along with evidence-informed (Nevo & Slonim-Nevo, 2011)

strategies for meeting them. The focus then turns to special challenges for stepfamilies

formed in later life and how we can help. Next, we will look at a particularly distressed

group of late-life stepfamilies: older recoupled dads with adult and young adult daughters

who are very unhappy with their father’s new relationship. Finally, stepfamili es preceded

by the death of a spouse and those that begin with affairs are addressed. The article ends

with a few “easy wrong turns” for well-meaning therapists.

WHAT DO LATE-LIFE RECOUPLED STEPFAMILIES LOOK LIKE?

Stepfamilies (of All Ages) Are Different from First-time Families

First-time couples usually begin with some time together to deepen their sense of trust

in each other, and to begin building some “middle ground” (Papernow, 1987), that is,

shared understandings and ways of doing things. Children in first-time families are more

likely to enter their parents’ already-established relationship. Important for our stor y,

children in first-time families generally arrive hard wired for attachment to both of their

parents, and vice versa. In contrast, in stepfamilies of all ages, the deep lines of attach-

ment and shared history lie between the parent and his or her children, as do the agree-

ments about money, time, family rituals, and a host of other things. As a result ,

stepfamilies of all ages must build intimate relationships on a fundamentally different

foundation from first-time families (Papernow, 2008, 2013, 2015b, 2018).

Grandma and Her New Love May Not Be Married

Like their younger counterparts, stepfamilies formed in later life come in many forms.

Rates of cohabitation are rising throughout the United States (Brown, Lee, & Bulanda,

2006; Manning & Stykes, 2015), including for late-life recouplers (Brown & Shinohara,

2013). Research indicates that these cohabiting late-life couples are also just as happy as

married couples (Brown & Kawamura, 2010). While younger couples are still more likely

to see cohabitation as a transition to marriage, older couples engage in long-term cohabit-

ing arrangements as a stable alternative to marriage (King & Scott, 2005). Older couples

are also more likely than their younger counterparts to be “Living Apart Toget her”

(L.A.T.)—living in separate homes, in a fully committed relationship (Benson, 2014; Ben-

son & Coleman, 2016; De Jong Gierveld, 2004; Levin, 2004). Indeed, a Netherlands study

found that the rate of LAT triples over age 50 (De Jong Gierveld, 2004). As with younger

stepcouples, one or both members of a late-life stepcouple may be gay, straight, bi, trans,

or queer.

Fam. Proc., Vol. 57, March, 2018

PAPERNOW

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