Questions, Questions, Questions.

• Author: Puterbaugh, Dolores T.

IS ASKING QUESTIONS a sign of toxic negativity? Are you bad if you ask questions? Does it matter what kind of questions are being asked, of whom, and why? Like so much else, it all is a big "it depends."

Some questions trigger defensive responses in the person hearing them. When counseling couples, we can spend a lot of time discussing how to ask questions and give feedback in a way that lets the other person feel heard and understood without instigating defensiveness. This is challenging for families with a longstanding pattern of bickering, mutual disrespect, or one-sided put-downs. These patterns cause sensitivity about questions. In particular, "why" makes most people defensive, and I have a theory based only in common sense, rather than research.

When we were two or three years old and a grownup asked us "why" about anything, it usually meant we had made a mistake and the grownup was not happy. Adults ask questions like, "Why is there purple crayon all over the walls?" or "Why is Teddy Bear in the toilet?" The normal two- or three-year old's respoase to an unhappy grownup, even if we are not quite sure what we did wrong, is to feel ashamed.

Shame tends to make people feel resentful and guilty after a while and that reaction stays in the core of the person. Normal toddlers desperately want--and need--adult love and approval. Perceived disapproval is a threat to that necessary love. Fast forward 20 or 40 or 70 years: when somebody we love, or are afraid of, or has power or control over us, asks, "Why?" very often there is a part of us, still two or three years old, which becomes defensive and ashamed. If the toddler inside takes the lead, it may behave angrily in response to that "Why?"

Considering whether questions are negative includes looking at both sides of the dialogue. In other words, what is going on with the person being asked the question, and what is going on with the person asking the question? If the person being asked "Why?" feels insecure, attacked, or criticized, that individual will be defensive. If someone believes he or she is being asked "Why?' (and it is interpreted as negative or rejecting) before there has been an adequate discussion of the topic at hand, that individual may feel hurt or angry because he or she is (from that person's perspective) being dismissed before being understood--criticized before the listener has taken the time and trouble to understand his or her point of view.

That is why therapists and...